Tuesday, June 07, 2005
false alarm on the island paradise...
I'm not leaving town till tomorrow, so I thought I'd catch you all up on my more recent self-absorbed activities.
Things have been going better for me in the past couple of days. I didn't feel like curling up into a little ball and crying today, which is a huge improvement. I had an update meeting with the Bossi, which basically consisted of ten minutes of them telling me I had really impressed them, that my coworkers were impressed by my performance, that I was really special (and they didn't mean it in the 'retarded' sense), and mature, and courageous, and that I had proven myself to them, and all these other really good things. They also said that they wanted me to be happy at work and to not be scared of them. I said that I wanted direct feedback on anything I did wrong so that it wouldn't just pile up and attack me out of the blue again. They said they would do that and that they were really glad to be working with me. What a huge change from last week! Boss #1 admitted that when she was my age the criticism they gave me would have done her in, and so she was really surprised and impressed that I had stuck it out.
But it sure as hell wasn't easy. This week was the closest I have come to mental collapse in ages. I'm just hoping I'm over the worst of it. At least now I feel somewhat more in control of things. I have never been known to get wickedly depressed for absolutely no good reason, so perhaps things are looking up.
Tara was even nice to me today. I think she's resigned herself to the idea that I may stay on for a while, which is good. She's a pretty funny and quirky individual, and as long as you play by her entirely arbitrary rules things seem to go okay. I just don't plan to tell her anything really personal about myself because I'm not entirely sure I can trust her with the information. She's eternally insincere, so I can't expect that she'll tell me what she really thinks of me at any given time. I will simply obey her orders and keep my head down, keep my stupid head down, keep my stupid fucking head down. Those are the three most important rules of golf, by the way.
I have some cool books that I'm reading at the moment but I'm not sure if any of you will care since they're mainly children and YA books. Does anyone care? Maybe JaG cause she likes The Cat in the Hat? Would anyone actually care to see my reading list?
I need someone to take photos of me. Nice photos, classy photos, but without a lot of that pesky clothing everyone's always wearing. Someone trustworthy. I don't think there's anybody I know in this city who fits that description. That and the last time I let someone take photos like that of me they turned out to be most untrustworthy indeed. An experience I do not care to repeat. I'll tell you the story someday.
I went out for Chinese food with the family tonight to celebrate my working my way out of my self-dug grave. It was most enjoyable.
I had to say goodbye to G. last night cause he's leaving for China, then Finland, then wherever else his nomadic life takes him. We went out for burgers and milkshakes, went to P.'s house and laughed at him and his friends who were high on peyote cactus, then drove around and parked at the beach and looked at the mountains for a while. I was really sad about him leaving. He kept insisting that there was nothing for him in this town, to which I wanted to answer "What about me???! Your friend of six years! Hello?" But I thought that would be far too soap-operatic so I just left it at "see ya." Now I regret it. He should know that I care, and that I will miss the hell out of him. Saying goodbye to my best friends really wears me down. Especially when they're best friends you've known for years and will trust with the most sensitive of information because they're tactful enough to not broadcast it over national television. Fuck, I will miss him. Everybody keeps leaving me choking on their dust.
I have the day off tomorrow, and the day off the day after that. This is nice. Work is improving, but it is still work. It is still a lot of bratty kids and chaos and yelling in the afternoons.
I met a baby today with the same name as me. This is really cool since my name is not that common and so that rarely happens. She was a beautiful little thing with huge blue eyes and long eyelashes. I wished her a good life and hoped that she would grow up strong and smart and wonderful, but only in my head.
Sometimes I wish that I was allowed to compliment other human beings without them thinking that I am:
a) coming on to them
b) a lesbian
c) both a) and b)
d) a pedophile
e) high
f) rude
g) drunk
i) irritating
j) trying to sell them something
k) insincere
Shouldn't compliments be a good thing? How come they always get so bloody misinterpreted? Cris, our bookseller with the PhD who works like a million jobs, is pretty much a superhero, so I told her so the other day. She looked at me really funnily, but in the end I think she was mildly amused. I plan to actually draw her as a superhero and make it into a card. She probably have a birthday eventually.
I wish there could be an International Compliments Day when we could tell each other all the good things we have in our heads without people jumping to ridiculous conclusions.
The "nice shoes - wanna fuck?" cliche has been taken just a bit too far.
Gotta go out tonight.
Cause I DON'T have to work tomorrow!!
Thanks for the good will.
-N
