Saturday, October 30, 2004
the glass house
Hmmm.
Well, not since my near-nervous breakdown last March have I felt this sure that I live in one of those glass-walled houses where a single stone could make everything come crashing down. Worst of all is that unlike a straw house, glass hurts when it lands on your face.
I know that when a fun Saturday consists of a failed blood donation (took a migraine pill that they thought would cause me to bleed out), antique shopping for bad overpriced French flea-market finds from a woman who pronounced Lausanne LOW-ZUN, and dinner with the rents, followed by halloween candy shopping in the drugstore, there is something wrong.
So I ask myself: what happened here?
When did I morph from the weird-and-a-little-nerdy-but-also-pretty-cool-and-potentially-hot, bordering-on-the-popular girl that I was last year on Halloween, when I managed to get 30-odd people out to a party I organized after arriving less than a month earlier in a foreign country where I knew no one....to this person in dismally low demand??
I can't even get people to RSVP to my fucking birthday party, for crying out loud!
And the people closest to me don't even seem to want to be there.
I feel like the gritty bottom of the list of priorities, the sludge at the bottom of the coffee thermos, the annoying person who is always there and never wanted.
I am reduced to a tag-along, a sad sack, a ridiculously overworked, under-appreciated individual who stays home all the time and wonders what the hell is going on with her formerly fabulous life.
The people I cared so much about are so far away and the people who were supposed to care the most seem less-than-enchanted with my presence.
Yes, it is a mournful evening, and I don't know how to cheer myself up.
I know I used to have friends and fun and lots of love in my life, so I ask you....where did it all go?
Too despondent to continue this line of thinking.
Will be back in a better mood, I hope.
-N
