Thursday, June 09, 2005
in another life, when we are both cats
Hey.
Well, the reactions to those photos were not as scary as I had thought they might be during my damn-that-was-a-dumb-idea phase. I don't want to post pornography, and I certainly don't plan to, er, do the full monty on the internet. I like to keep things somewhat more artistic than that. That said, I am intrigued. I may post some more.
It would be cool if people would actually do my entertaining little games. JaG has obedient readers, but mine are like cats - they wander around, request food, occasionally stop to cuddle, but generally give you the impression that they would be just fine and dandy without you. This is not to say I don't feel appreciated in Bloggerville. But you guys are a little more independent than most. That's okay -- I can be independent too.
I'm at a point in my humble little odyssey where I'd like to get to know myself a little bit more. I thought I really knew who I was, but I spend so much of my time trying to please people and get them to like me that I sometimes lose track of what I actually want and need. That said, I really hate the idea of becoming one of those self-absorbed, self-indulgent people who isn't even aware of how selfish they are. I'd say selfishness is a modern epidemic, and frankly I don't want to catch it.
But I do need some time to be alone. Not alone like 'everyone-must-leave' alone. But alone in the sense that I want to have people come to me, rather than the other way around. I'm sick to death of having to make people like me. I'm just going to have to declare that either they like me or they can go fuck themselves. I'm not going to go out of my way to impress them anymore.
Those photos also got me thinking about the fact that I have very little idea of what I look like, and especially of what I look like to everyone else. I always considered myself to be kind of out of proportion. I've pretty much wanted smaller breasts since the age of 11, when it was still considered amusing to steal people's underwear and read the cup size out loud in front of 40 other girls. I shudder to think of the stares and comments I've gotten over the years. I'm afraid I simply can't respect someone who's more interested in a mass of tissue than in an actual person. I lost 10 pounds since I went off the Pill and I actually like the way I look a lot more. I'm hardly skin and bones, but I'm skinny enough to enjoy the curves and not think they just make me look chubby.
And now that I've demonstrated my complete and utter self-absorption, I will go post some more pics.
My unweekend was okay, but it did inspire me to create a list of things that bug me about life.
I'll post it soon, but not now.
I have to work tomorrow, and I wish I had a little more time left to goof off. Some sex would be most welcome at this point. Things have been entirely too G-rated lately.
Laters.
-N
