Friday, September 23, 2005
my attempt at a proper update
When you're feeling lonely
And your heart is hungry
I'll light the shade
When the moon escapes you
And the sun denies you
I'll light the shade
When the question's pending
You feel it all descending
I'll light the shade
Out answer searching
When it's all confusing
I'll light the shade
-Xavier Rudd - Light The Shade
That's a rather beautiful Xavier Rudd song, which is best played while walking under the moonlight.
A couple of updates, in an attempt to shed some light on this situation.
1) My counsellor / therapist / let's-just-call-her-Thea thinks that the whole situation with Kylie might have something to do with this depression I'm in at the moment. She thinks it was some kind of trigger, and I can see why. Spending the most beautiful day in a long time with someone who later unravelled my hopes piece by piece while continuing to keep me frustrated and even a little hopeful is bound to hurt at least a little. In my case, it hurt a lot, and still does. I will keep her as a friend, but not at the expense of my mental health. I refuse even to call her unless she calls me first. So far she has taken the initiative, and all I do is respond.
2) I went out with another girl, but there's really nothing to report. She was nice but pretty quiet and reserved -- not my type at all. I think I came off as being materialistic and shallow, and she came off as being a bit boring and flat. In short, we didn't bring out the best in each other, and it was just fortunate that we both seemed to know it and didn't drag it out past a single hour-and-a-half long coffee date.
3) Jordan came back from his trip, and we went out for dinner. We had a pretty enjoyable evening, though he was as nervous as a schoolboy and only managed to kiss me quickly and rather shyly at the end of the evening. On most guys in their late twenties that kind of hesitation might be unattractive, but on him it's really rather endearing. He lives on the island, and he's not into anything serious, but I think he's probably a fun guy to keep around for friendship with benefits.
4) I pretty much wish that I lived with the cast of the L-Word. I'd love to have a crazy lesbian pirate crew around to laugh and cry with. They would probably get me better than most people these days seem to.
5) Despite feeling pretty crummy, I keep trying to meet people and be friendly and go out and be social when friends invite me places. The other night I went to a crazy women-only sex toy party at the coffee shop where the open mike is held, and it was actually pretty fun. I was startlingly non-squeamish compared to the rest of the women there, who were all twice or even two-and-a-half times my age. One woman who I know fairly well asked me when I came in "does your mother know you're here??" What could I do but laugh and say, "uhhh....no." It was the truth. Just for kicks, I bought a vibrator that works underwater. You never know when you'll need such a thing...
6) My new musical loves are The Pixies, Xavier Rudd, Tristan Prettyman, Martha Wainwright, and The Breeders. The Pixies are sometimes ALL I can listen to. They keep me going when absolutely nothing else works.
7) My bestest friend Cait has left for England, and I'm very sad to see her go. Y'all can continue to follow her adventures on her new blog. I'm sure she'll have an awesome time and I wish her all the best.
8) I also hope that Dag has an amazing time in Madrid, where she is now living. I have such lucky friends. If they were better friends they would cram me into their suitcases and take me with them. I've got to go to bed. Work tomorrow. Grrrrrrrrr.... Thanks to the very few people who are still reading this.
Out of curiosity....who is still reading?
G'nite.
-N
p.s. Here's a bit of dark levity for you:
