Sunday, January 30, 2005
just an ordinary day
It's just an ordinary morning
It's just an ordinary day
and I'm just an ordinary woman
slipping away...
-Sheryl Crow
The worst thing a person can do to me is to just fade away. Betrayal hurts -- a lot. I remember every single person who has ever been cruel or heartless to me. I remember everyone who hurt me and everyone I hurt, deliberately or by accident. I remember everyone who thought it was okay to use me and leave without explanation, to have ulterior motives and to be a fair weather friend. But the worst thing anyone has ever done to me is to love me and leave without explanation, or with inadequate, ridiculous, or obviously false reasons. I have utterly lost (if I ever possessed it) the ability to forget. I can forgive, and have even been passably good at it. I'm capable of compassion and understanding and I will accept your apologies. But do not think for a moment that I will ever forget.
The people I have lost touch with never seem to leave me. They follow me around like ghosts. They see me and they don't remember me, or they do but don't say anything, or I simply never see them again. I don't know what to do with these people anymore. These are often people who told me I'd changed their lives, people who said they loved me, spent time with me, called me their best friend, even credited me with saving them in some fundamental way. But then, they disappear.
I've started to feel incredibly lonely. Overwhelmingly alone, and completely unsure of everything I have done and everything I have allegedly accomplished. I start to think dark thoughts:
What good is this humanities degree I'm about to receive?
What the fuck can I do with that useless piece of paper?
Why am I with someone who never wants to marry me or have children with me?
Why am I with someone who seems to forget that I'm still in the room?
Why do I allow people to use me, again and again and again?
Why I am paralysed by the feeling that while everyone has forgotten me, I am cursed by not being able to forget them?
Why do I try so hard and have it amount to nothing?
Why does no one care?
Why don't I want them to care?
Why do I always think everyone WANTS something from me?
Why am I so sure they want to take and not give?
Why do I feel things have failed before they have even begun?
Why do I feel so alone?
Where did all this shit come from, anyway? Yesterday I was pretty close to fine. Now I feel like the whole world is laughing at me. It all seems so fucking pedestrian, and I want to rip things off my walls and stay inside and MAKE people come find me and hold me and love me and never, ever leave.
I feel so sure that if I get someone to love me, that I've forced them into it. I've forced them to be nice, I've forced them to stay, I've made them afraid to leave.
I'm supposed to be young and free and happy about it, but sitting at a keyboard crying feels like the only thing I can do at the moment.
How pathetic.
Please don't call an ambulance, I'll come out of it.
It's just an ordinary day.
-N
