Saturday, January 08, 2005
yay for cynicism!
Greetings.
The switching classes situation is starting to look pretty hopeless. The head of the department is helpless/useless in the matter and my prof still refuses to change his mind. The other prof has no authority over my current prof and the current prof is no longer writing or speaking to me. So...what lessons should I take away from this?
Some possibilities:
-people are assholes, don't trust them. Ever.
-authority figures have more just as much power to screw up your life as they do to help you.
-don't get your hopes up -- about anything.
-don't work hard, because nothing will come of it.
-fight until your last scraps of dignity and your grades are in the trash.
-never trust anyone over 40.
-if your skills lie in academia, don't ever try to do anything else.
-change is an illusion. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.
-life sucks, and trying to make it better is a fruitless endeavor.
Yeah, none of these options really appeal to me. I don't think this is my fault. I am really angry, upset, melancholy, pissed-off, cynical, all those good feelings.
On the plus side, I don't think the team is competing this term, so I won't be missing out on anything there. I will miss out on the team aspect and on learning some actual skills which will apply my four months of intensive training. I'll go to their stunting club and try to pick up some skills there, and maybe I'll throw out my wrists and shoulders a few times. Pain is great.
I'm thinking of taking up martial arts again. Not because I really think I was ever any good at it, but because I feel like hitting something.
Problems in perspective: this will be only one disappointment in a life that is sure to be full of them. I'm sure there will soon be bigger fish to fry and more important things to worry about. But it sure as hell doesn't help me feel less cynical about the big lie that hard work yields rewards and people are intrinsically good.
Fuck it.
My life is as boring as watching paint dry.
But I don't hate my life. In fact, most of the time, I love it. I just hate people. I hate how they're rude and cruel and senseless and idiotic. I hate how they wield power and I hate how they dole out decisions like Chinese emperors. I hate how they hit you in the face with their bags on the bus, before blocking the exits so you can't get out. I hate how they drive too fast and don't stop for pedestrians and run red lights. I hate how they lie to you and pretend they care and then rip out your heart and stomp on it. I hate how they need me when I don't want them, and I hate how they don't need me when I need them and want them around.
And I hate that I feel this way at 21.
-N
