Wednesday, December 22, 2004
all I want for Christmas is December 26th
That's Gage's line, not mine, but it's so brilliant I had to re-use it. Imitation is a form of flattery, right?
The Christmas madness is slowing down somewhat, but life is still a haze of shopping, wrapping, packing, etc. I've noticed also that the local news likes to emphasize the sad stories about car wrecks and tragic misdiagnosed fatal illnesses and disappointment and death right before Christmas (complete with ominous comments like "This family has been shattered, and only a few days before Christmas..."), as if to remind us of how lucky we all are to only have to be dealing with shopping mall insanity this time of year. But it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel like Christmas cheer is all one big farce, and the horrible, mean, cruel, nasty things that people do to each other continue regardless at this time of year.
They've started holding "Blue Christmas" services at churches for people who find Christmas to be a miserable experience, and I kind of get it now. One of the headlines in the Globe a few days ago read "Hell no, we won't glow!" with a picture of a pissed-off looking cat with reindeer antlers. I can see where the cat's coming from now. Some things about Christmas really bite.
Things about Christmas that suck:
1) Overproduced, overdone, overly earnest Christmas carols. Whitney Houston and Jessica Simpson are two of my favourites for total shlock. I read a review which said of Jessica Simpson's Christmas album: "There's something disturbing about hearing her get all breathy on lines like 'When Christ was born.'" I concur. One of the greatest things about Christmas carols is that they can be funny and ironic, and yet they're so rarely done that way. This is why "Santa Baby" remains my favourite Christmas carol ever. Sexualizing Santa Claus is so massively inappropriate that it suits my taste just perfectly. I just have to sing along.
2) Evil people who steal parking spots, shopping carts, the last item on a shelf, your spot in line, the last box of mandarin oranges, you name it. It's Christmas, for fuck's sake! Can't we show a little magnanimity?
3) People who say "Happy Holidays" as if there is more than one. Chanukah is over. Kwanzaa is celebrated by something like 0.2 of the population of this province. Muslims are pretty much holed up inside their houses praying for the end to come. There is only one holiday left --Christmas! So let's be honest here. When did political correctness start to override common sense?
4) People who have forgotten the real meaning of Christmas: the birth of Santa.
5) Lying to children. It's much more widespread than AIDS and so much more socially acceptable.
6) Jewish kids who stuff their yalmulkas in their pockets in order to get presents from Santa. Who taught them that?
7) Fruitcake. What an evil substance.
8) Christmas specials of anything but the Simpsons. Everything else is barf rolled up in tinsel and glitter and stuffed under an artifical tree.
9) Fake trees. Doesn't anyone listen to Radiohead anymore?
10) Sticky substances. They're everywhere this time of year. And they're not the fun kind either.
11) Children who scream.
12) Dogs who get $300 coats for Christmas. Give me a fucking break.
Oh, and there's more, but I'll stop there.
Oddly enough, I actually love Christmas. It's a love-hate relationship, which means it's actually pretty hot most of the time. I love being in a house in the woods where it's quiet and where there are actual trees outside and an actual tree inside to put presents under. I like hanging with the family and friends I haven't seen in ages and eating turkey and cookies and making cocktails and drinking champagne.
I just don't like the bullshit.
So don't fuck with me, Christmas. I know where you live.
In other news, I'm really pissed off and stressed out about that prof who refuses to let me switch my class so I can try out for cheerleading. It's driving me up the wall. Why can't profs just be on my side for once? When I'm an academic wielding massive amounts of life-altering power, I vow to use it for good and not evil. Those horrid light-saber-wielding profs scare the shit out of me.
I'm off to the island tomorrow, so I will have to take a break from blogging for a week or so. Sorry to my loyal readers, but I'll be back soon with many more rants and inane things to say.
On that note, Merry Christmas everyone!
I wish you all the best of fun and a very minimum of craptacular light displays.
See you in a week or so.
Love,
N
