Friday, April 08, 2005

Excessive Drinking, and why it is excessive

I just got back from the huge rock concert our school puts on at the end of every school year. Some of the bands were really good, particularly Tupelo Honey and Metric, who you likely haven't heard of. They're two lovely Canadian bands.

The lead singer of Metric is a woman, which is really unusual for this usually testosterone-fueled event. Sadly, the stupid soundmen drowned out her vocals, and the drunken fools in the audience threw shoes and water bottles at her. They weren't even doing it because they didn't like her, they were just drunk and stupid. She was a real little tiger about it though, which I appreciated. She picked up one of the shoes that someone had hurled a couple of feet from her head and held it out in front of her while raising the middle finger of her other hand and waving it around. Then she yelled "don't throw shit onstage, bitches!" I love a woman who can dole out curses with a grin on her face.

Needless to say, it was not the best venue for that band, though people did seem to like them. I had a few drinks, though the beer was so horrible I had to switch to cider and that was like drinking apple juice that had been sitting under the radiator for a few weeks. Before you demand to know how I am aware of what that tastes like you should know that as a kid I drank a lot of apple juice and liked to watch TV with my feet on the radiator. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I ran into my friend M.G., who was walking around in his trench-coat, by far the best-dressed member of that beer-drenched mudbath.

The whole thing was fun for a few hours. I went with Berdie from my history class and I watched her get drunk on very little alcohol -- she's a real lightweight, that girl. When she was drunk she got really loud and talked about everything like it was the most exciting event of her life. It was cute.

At one point I lost her and the kids from Storm the Wall in the mosh pit, and since they had my stuff (money, keys, wallet, bus pass, cell phone, etc.) I had to wander around aimlessly until I found them. They told me Berdie had gotten knocked over in the mosh pit, and in her drunkenness had started bawling and had to be rescued.

I was nicely buzzed, though I refused to get drunk and publicly embarrass myself. There was really no point when so many other people were already doing a bang-up job of it.

And on that note I present to you...

Why drinking too much is not sexy -- An Observer's Guide*
*Disclaimer: the following events were actually witnessed by the author on a single afternoon at an intimate gathering of 20,000 university students.

1) Because of the two guys who bought two cute blond girls some drinks, but were too drunk to do anything but spill their beverages on their entire group. This was followed by an attempt to hang their clothing to dry on a barbed wire fence. As a result no less than 6(!) RCMP officers were called in to break up the scene and make the guys put their beer-soaked shirts back on. By this point the girls had lost interest and moved on.

2) Because of one good-looking girl wearing a low-cut top with the following message written in black magic marker across her chest: "MY NAME IS ______. IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO ______AT (phone number).

3) Because of a similarly good-looking girl who arrived in the bathroom lineup only to pull up her skirt, pull down her underwear, squat and pee in the middle of the stadium with several hundred people watching.

4) Because of the guy who peed on the back of a food truck, directly into their ventilation system, forming a delightful river on the ground beside it.

5) Because of a girl who was too drunk to avoid vomiting on herself.

6) Because of the people fell down in the mud so many times they were like walking mud zombies.

7) Because of the people who bought beer, only to spill it all on the ground shortly after leaving the drink lineup.

8) Because of the people standing at the top of a hill who were too drunk to keep their balance and fell forward, bashing into several more people who were too drunk to keep their balance and fell forward, until in a perverse game of mud dominoes everyone was lying in a heap at the bottom of the hill.

9) Because of the two girls who crammed themselves into a portable toilet and started going at it two toilets down from me. Requests from people who actually wanted to USE the bathroom were met with "we'd finish up sooner if you'd just give us a little privacy!"

10) Because of the people who lost the ability to speak any known language.

11) Because of the people who had to be taken away in ambulances.

12) Because of the guy who jumped the fence to get in, only to pick a fight with the first person he saw and get himself arrested by the RCMP.

13) Because of the guy who peed on the roofs of the portable toilets. He was also arrested.

14) Because of the rivers of beer and the beer-flavoured-mud and the crushed plastic cups underfoot and the pools of piss and vomit.

And those were just the highlights.

I'm basically about 35 years old when it comes to drinking. I find getting wasted and puking pretty distasteful and do my best to avoid it, especially in public. I rarely have more than a few drinks and when I do I have the good sense to space them out over a few hours so I don't intoxicate myself early in the evening. Maybe it comes from having been drinking with the intent of getting drunk since I was 14. Seven years later, I'm a bit bored with the whole caper. Drinking until you pee in front of large crowds of strangers is not really my thing either.

I left the concert early, and missed the last band, which I would have liked to see. But after witnessing more puking in those five hours than in the entire rest of my life, I had had enough. I went home, got my brother to make me a free coffee at the coffee shop by our house where he works, and tried to warm myself up again. It was cold being outside all day and I was underdressed.

I will sleep well tonight!

And now for some entirely unsexy lounging on the couch....



by Nome at 8:42 PM
1 mews

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