Sunday, May 08, 2005
I'm okay, and a warning
I think I am going to be pretty much okay.
Perhaps I have made it through the worst of it. Perhaps this is the eye of the storm. I don't exactly know. But I feel okay. Actually, I feel good.
The world is my oyster and assorted cliches. I have a job starting Tuesday, a beautiful city in front of me, a wonderful family and nice friends, and I can read and write and I have enough to eat and a roof over my head. I have not been abused and no one has died. I am young and relatively attractive and life has a lot to offer me. I know that now, and I knew that all along.
I nonetheless would like to share a beautiful poem that forgottenmachine sent me this week. At the time, it made me cry. Now, I am just struck again and again by the incredible truth in these words.In the years when we were
all children, this inclining
to be alone so much was gentle;
others' time passed fighting,
and one had one's faction,
one's near, one's far-off place,
a path, an animal, a picture.
And I still imagined, that life
would always keep providing
for one to dwell on things within,
Am I within myself not in what's greatest?
Shall what's mine no longer soothe
and understand me as a child?
Suddenly I'm as if cast out,
and this solitude surrounds me
as something vast and unbounded,
when my feeling, standing on the hills
of my breasts, cries out for wings
or for an end.
-Rainer Maria Rilke, The Girl's LamentYou who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.
You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house-, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,-
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...
The punctuation's a bit iffy, but oh well. It's too perfect a piece to be spoiled by something so small, and I'm neurotic about grammar anyway. I'm annoyed by signs that read "All posters on this window, will be removed." Why the FUCK did you need a comma there? A real mystery.
At the moment I feel as though I am embarking on a new stage of my life -- a fresh start, or something close to it. I am as innocent as I can be given that I rant a lot. And I can't help that -- it's in my genes. So at this point I would like to issue something of a warning, an advisory label of sorts. I probably should have done this a long time ago, but I'm doing it now because it's most important that I do it now.
I intend for this blog to continue to be an honest chronicle of my world. I'm hoping to stay as anonymous as possible to the people who stumble upon this page, because while it is the internet and they have every right to be here, I also reserve the right to keep my identity relatively under wraps. I am assuming a certain amount of human decency and tact here, because I realise that in this day and age, if you really want to find someone, you can. Just look at the craziness of the Witness Protection Program. Names and identifying details are easy to obtain. There are only some 32,507,874 people in this country, and if you really want to hunt down 'Bob' on the West Coast of Canada, you probably could. Having had two utterly nutso stalkers in my lifetime, I believe just about anything is possible for people who are crazy enough to follow through with crazy things. But nevertheless, I believe in the honour system. And since people are clever and tricksey, I can only request that you respect it.
For those of you who know me in real life, know this: I cannot be held accountable to you for what I write here. Obviously, I make every effort to not openly insult people who read this. I have no intention of making enemies or pissing people off. I just want you to remember that if what I write makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to STOP READING, but no right to tell me to STOP WRITING!
I only say this because I have no idea what the hell I may be up to in the next few weeks, months, or years. You may have known me last year or two years ago and still have no idea who this person is who is writing now. You may feel awkward about what I'm up to these days. It may get ugly. It may get weird. It may get crazy. And then again, it may not. Either way, just remember that your first line of defense in a free country is never censorship, it is indifference.
If you don't like it, LEAVE!
I want to make it abundantly clear that this is MY SPACE, and I will continue to write whatever I damn well please.
Ahem. Yes. Sorry I had to shout, but some people are hard of hearing.
Some news and random admonishments for the masses:
1) Today was Mother's Day. I bought my mom a $40 gift certificate to an art supply store, because I know she wants to start painting again. I love artists, so I obliged. Plus, I'm hoping she'll start doing funny portraits of me. I also got her $41.02 worth of flowers, which is just insane now that I think about it. Ah well, she's worth it. My mom rocks. Today she told me I should do more sports, not to stay in shape, but to meet guys! I was like "MOOOOOM!!" GEEZ!
2) I just saw the movie Crash (NOT to be confused with David Cronenberg's "erotic" feature!), and thought it was totally fucking brilliant. It's a very moving, very smart piece of filmmaking set in L.A., and it explores issues of race and class in a very intelligent way. The cast was amazing, and even the soundtrack was good. I especially think forgottenmachine would appreciate it. But you should all see it. It's really very good.
3) I dyed my hair again. Stay tuned for pics. I used the same dye but for some reason it came out really dark this time. I think it was because of some kind of internalized pathetic fallacy -- completely the result of my mood at the time.
4) I went for an awesome walk with my brother last night. We went down to the island, and the bread guy at my favourite fancy French bakery gave us some potato-flour rolls straight out of the oven. They tasted like pure heaven, and probably even better than that because they were free.
5) A few days ago I was walking back to the car from my job interview when I saw a guy lying unconscious on the pavement. This was in a part of town that never saw a beggar until the fuckheads who call themselves our government started cutting people off welfare four years ago. His sign said that he had an abscessed tooth and he was lying in front of the drugstore trying to earn enough money to go in and get some tylenol to bring his fever down enough so he could drag himself to a clinic. I felt so bad for the guy that I reached into my bag for a sample pack of tylenol that the Boy had gotten in the ER. I left it next to him on the sidewalk. I have no idea if he found it, but my biggest worry is actually that someone else might have stolen it from him.
6) I signed up to volunteer on election day as a scrutineer. My brother is going to be a runner on his bike. I don't think I need to tell you which party we support. I won't tell you anyway lest I have to deal with a bunch of crazy social conservatives on this site (again!), and I really don't want to deal with that right now. Suffice it to say that I'm volunteering for the party I think can best run this province and make it the best place it can be for everyone.
7) Y'all go tell JaG that she rules, with or without a degree! And while you're at it, remind her that teachers are important!
8) Saw the cutest girl at the ice cream store today. She smiled at me, but employees always do.
9) I've decided it's more than time that I got my own apartment. I'm going to start saving, beginning with my first glorious paycheck. It won't be much money but it will be mine!
10) I have a question for any female who is older than me or more experienced:
What's the deal with rebounds? Bad idea? Good idea? Discuss. (I've linked to the Urban Dictionary definition just for JaG cause I know she loves that thing!)
11) Send some congrats to Dag for her accomplishment in getting the job she wanted in Spain. I am super-happy for her despite the fact that Spain is a lot further away from Montreal and it'll be more difficult to even call her next year! Then again, it's a sweet excuse to visit Spain again when I'm in Europe.
12) Send some major hugs and perhaps a few analgesics to lovely little Cait, who's working her ass off planting trees god-knows where in the bush! Poor thing! I miss you! When you come home it will be nothing but Sex and the City marathons and lots of beach bunny behaviour! Hang in there!
Okay, I've gotta go watch some taped CSI. Man I'm a sucker for that show. Catherine (Marge Helgenbergererererererer whatever!) is the hottest 40-pushing-50-year-old I have EVER seen! But that's not why I watch, really! I watch it for the science! Heh heh. Speaking of which, the Boy took the following magazines with him on the bus: Men's Health (even after I informed him it was the male version of cosmo, AND read mainly by gay men), Runner(ing?) Magazine, and Popular Science Magazine. That's really him in a nutshell. I laughed about it for longer than was probably appropriate in a drugstore lineup. Shit -- I will miss those funny moments with him the most.
Why do you guys want to read stuff by the girl who thinks a lot of expletives constitute good writing, anyway?
A mystery and a half.
Shit.
-N
