Sunday, May 08, 2005
Thank you all so much for your kind words. They have actually helped me a lot.
I am doing better now, although it may just be the proverbial eye of the storm.
I took the Boy to the bus station today and said goodbye to him after our last night together, which we both managed to salvage. There were no tears this time, just lots of the love and closeness I will miss so terribly. It ended up being a great last few days -- and I'm beginning to understand how he could be so wonderful and yet also someone for whom I cannot sacrifice the tremendous possibilities of my life. The last days were beautiful, but swan songs always are.
I have also reinforced my healthy dislike of self-help books. My friend the DJ took me out the day after my sad conversation with the Boy and tried to cheer me up by recommending that I read this book, which advises, among other things, that I cease all contact with my "EX" for god-knows how long. I hate self-help books. Aside from the obvious oxymoron there (how is it "self-help" if you need a book to do it??), these books do not know me! They don't know the faintest thing about me. That particular clause is asking me to give up my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time, and I won't do that. Giving up one is more than painful enough.
I realise DJ was just trying to help by recommending that book. But you'd think that he'd know me well enough to refrain from giving out such generic advice.
Thank you as well to everyone who picked up the phone to call me but didn't actually dial. It's not that I don't like you, it's just that the wounds are fresh and I really didn't want to start crying on the phone. I also hate crying in public, and since we'd inevitably end up in a public place, well, I figured it's just better that I don't try that for now. So thank you for respecting my wishes, and thank you because your first instinct was to call me. If I was a little less of an odd duck, that would have been a good decision to make. But better give me a few days still.
I was really surprised by how many people sent out such kind thoughts, support, emails, poems, "cyberhugs," love, and concern. I am impressed. Thank you again.
I have also gotten a bit of good news, which has cheered me up considerably. I applied for only one job this year, and that was two months ago. It was for my current dream job -- working in the same children's bookstore that was my little bit of paradise when I was a child. I didn't hear back about the position for two months and really didn't expect anything of it, in fact I had planned to give myself a few more weeks of freedom and then apply to waitress at the icky new "bar 'n grill" by my house, despite how much I would never want to work there. But a few days ago I got a call from the bookstore owner asking for an interview. I pulled myself together considerably (ironically, the last time I had my mother iron a shirt for me was on my first date with the Boy) and went in on Friday for the interview -- it was short, less than ten minutes long, and she asked me only a few very straightforward questions. Three hours later, she called and offered me the job. I am most pleased with this. Thrilled. Chuffed. Excited. All that. Not only am I now gainfully employed (I start on Tuesday) but I will be making real money from now on and not just the pink and blue monopoly kind.
It makes me feel more like I have something solid to devote my time and energy to, and it also won't allow me to sit around the house feeling useless anymore. This is a good thing.
I am hopeful about my future. Really, truly hopeful. I think I have a lot to look forward to, and I know that I'm okay on my own. None of these things is a major concern. I do fear loneliness, though, and most of all I am just desperately sad to have lost such a wondeful and unique human being. I will miss everything about my life with him -- back rubs, breakfast on the run, looking up fun stuff on the internet, reading comic books at the beach, driving on the highway, going to Chinese bakeries, learning Cantonese swear words, going to the gyme and lifting too much, cooking elaborate dinners, dressing up to go to nice restaurants, playing around like a little kid again, seeing him curled up with one of my cats, and sleeping in his arms all night and all morning and into the afternoon. These are the thoughts that make me so sad. But I'm pretty sure I'm actually running out of tears.
The last thing the Boy said before he got on the bus was:
"Goodbye Nome. You rule."
I'll believe it. But really, I think we ruled. I couldn't imagine my life any other way.
I'll respond to all your emails in good time. Thanks again for everything.