Tuesday, May 24, 2005

please push my button


It's on the sidebar and says Vote Top Blog. It will doubtless help me in the popularity rat race that is life. If I win, I get to be a rat! Vote frequently and often. Boy, that was repetitive.

For the hell of it...

Things I really want right now (like right now, as I am sitting in this chair):

-a decent glass of wine - got a bottle from L.P.'s mother tonight, but I don't think it's very good. Where's the dorky guy from Sideways when you need him?
-to not have to go to my grad ceremony tomorrow - I'd rather fast forward straight to the after party.
-the kind of sex that you have to do over again just to make sure that it really was that good.
-for Julie to come back to work and still be her super-sweet self and the only one who never yells at me or blames stuff on me.
-to have people ask me about my life instead of expecting me to have no life outside work.
-a little two-day vacation.
-to get the IPod I don't think I will actually get as a grad gift.
-a really excellent, no-obligations hug.
-to make myself pleasantly stoned and then go to sleep.

I may get the last one, but only the sleep part.

I am incredibly sad that Julie isn't working at the store anymore. There is a huge big void where she used to be. All of the wit and laughter in the place seemed really lost today, and I was panicking for hours about the boss and some damned meeting about efficiency on the weekends. Then my coworker Elly felt the need to explain that she didn't call the meeting because she was mad at me, which of course was a possibility I hadn't even considered. I am so afraid to screw up that I don't even really care if people are mad at me, so long as I haven't done something wrong that I can be blamed for. But at the heart of it, I do want people to like me. It was so easy getting Julie to like me, but everyone else seems to bloody closed-off all the time. Though there are a couple of exceptions to this rule, for the most part the only way I know about their lives is by overhearing their conversations with other people, and they rarely stop to find out how my life is going. I can't keep comparing everyone else to Julie, because that is total torture. She's just a star and she's totally irreplaceable.

Tutoring L.P. went remarkably well today, because the book I gave him for his birthday went over really well and he read four whole chapters from it before I even got there. This is a kid who never reads anything and hates to do it. But today he was attentive and talkative and even borderline enthusiastic. I was stunned, and pleased. It has been hard work pouring my energy into a black hole of indifference, and it's nice to finally get a response.

I think my sex drive has decided to take a vacation because I can't take one. I feel so fucking bored all the time. Sleeping and reading and shopping for clothes are really the only activities that interest me, aside from work. The rabbit sucks. It makes me all hyped-up and then I can't go to sleep. I don't feel that pent-up, desperate feeling I usually get when I haven't been getting any for ages. On the one hand this is good because I won't do desperate things. But on the other hand, feeling horny makes me feel so much more alive. I don't know what to do, except make plans for my days off and make a mental note to never again allow my friends to set me up with their taciturn friend at the bar. I think that really killed it for me. No interaction that began with drunkenness has ever gone well for me. Plus, meeting someone who's utterly disinterested in me does have a way have sapping any confidence I may have had about my ability to light up a room.

I am still losing weight. I've lost 10 pounds now, and the pants that were too tight two months ago are now hanging off me. I'm a bit mystified, but I do remember reading somewhere that when you go off the Pill you can lose weight, so maybe that's why. My BMI sits at 20.2, so I'm still not worried.

I now have to go come up with questions for you people. Should be fun.

And then, sleep. I am actually looking forward to that. How delightfully sedate of me.

I'm reading Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, which I borrowed from the store. I'm actually a bit disappointed with it - the writing is clunky and the story feels forced. It is nowhere near as awesome as Harry Potter, that's for damn sure!

Oh, and please respond to my scientific poll. Thanks!



by Nome at 10:31 PM
0 mews

    Welcome. This is the humble chronicle of my life & my thoughts on the world as I see it. If you know me in real life and want to keep my trust, PLEASE ASK BEFORE READING! I'm not accountable to you or to anyone else for what I say in these pages. Comments are much appreciated, but but insults and personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please respect privacy and anonymity - nicknames or pseudonyms only. This is my space to be an adult - kids should go elsewhere. Thanks, and enjoy.

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