Sunday, October 02, 2005
I've been looking up a lot lately. I don't mean that things have been looking up, I mean I have been looking up. It's amazing what you can see by tilting your head back and staring at the sky from time to time -- great fluffy clouds punctuated by sky like white lily pads on a navy blue lake....trees so full of red and orange and yellow leaves that they light up the sidewalk....buildings as tall as the sky....churches with stained glass that still glows at night. These are the things I've seen, and more.
I can't wait for things to start looking up for me. Instead, I have to start looking up.
I got some bad news at work the other day. Boss #1 announced that she had hired a completely new bookseller rather than promoting me, and that she planned to keep me on cash for another very painful four months, until February. The temptation to either burst into tears or tell her off was palpable. I could taste it. But I didn't do either. Instead, I reached into my bag for one of my mother's stellar oatmeal-chocolate-cranberry cookies, and gave it to her. I thanked her for telling me and walked downstairs to start my shift. She may not give a flying fuck about my happiness, I thought to myself, but at least I can make a point of caring about hers. And what better way to make someone happy than with a cookie?
Somehow, the cookie had the opposite effect. Apparently she spent the morning and most of the afternoon racked with guilt about how unhappy I was (I guess I haven't been hiding it quite as well as I'd thought). I ended up in a meeting with both Bossi in which they told me that they were hesitant to make me a bookseller because I was a) too young, b) too assertive, c) too immature, and d) apparently unable to branch out and sell books I don't personally like. The first two are probably true. The latter two I will just have to prove them wrong about. Actually, I will have to prove them wrong on all counts.
In the end, we compromised. They agreed to give me one or two shifts a week bookselling, and a raise if I manage to reorganize the cash desk. For the second time in just over four months, I fought them and won.
This time I'll allow myself to feel at least slightly victorious. I had a better day at work today because of it.
My second piece of news is that I went on a date with a girl tonight, and I liked it. Her name is Cara and she is cute and sweet and hysterically funny. She just got out of a pretty bad relationship only a week ago, so I doubt very much that she's ready for anything beyond something casual with me, but in fact I had such a good time tonight that I don't much care what develops. We went out for sushi and saw some Canadian shorts at the film festival, and we laughed a lot. She's got lovely blue eyes and blond hair and she's quite pretty. At this point I'm open to something light and fun, and some sex would be nice.
I've decided that I probably ought to write a novel. What I need is a great idea. A GREAT idea. An absolutely BRILLIANT idea. I'll start thinking about it.
I clearly need something more in my life besides work. Everyone else at work does. Jack has his writing, Carrie has her music and her boyfriend, Emma has bookclub and her girlfriend, Cris has bookclub, teaching, and her sons, and all the other cashiers are either teaching part-time or going to school. I need something else. Maybe I need to write some more, or go somewhere, or something. It would be great to have even one solid friend in my life, instead of all this transience. People do so much fading in and out of my life that sometimes I get bored of all the static and simply change the channel.
I'm semi-tempted to go on some drunken romp at a bar. Semi.
But the rest of me would just like some toast and bed.
Thanks for reading.