Saturday, June 24, 2006
for some reason
I am having a dark afternoon.
I know I have to have a discussion with Hayley about her nutso behaviour, but I don't want it to get confrontational and I don't want to be misinterpreted. Most of all, I don't want her to freak out and do something that both of us will later regret.
I haven't felt like crying out of sadness in a long time. But today I did.
I can't seem to shake this feeling that I'm just repeating old patterns, getting involved with someone who will push me away again and again until I become this ultra-needy version of me that I absolutely hate. And then when I finally find the strength to get out of it, it will take me months and months to feel okay again.
I just can't summon the energy to do anything with this day. I called some friends, really in an effort to have actual conversations with them, but ended up just making vague lunch plans and congratulating an old school pal on her pregnancy. What? Why do I feel like there's no one for me to reach out to?
I really loathe this feeling that I'm wallowing in limbo, dragging my heels through purgatory when I know the sins are not mine, and I don't deserve any of this. Fuck.
Sorry.
Please go about your daily lives and ignore me, as I know 98% of you will do anyway.
-N
