Thursday, June 22, 2006
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I'm becoming a bit fanatical about getting back to posting once a day. It's a tall order seeing as I haven't really done that in more than a year, but I want to try it.
Yesterday...(all my troubles seemed so far away...)
Woke up at Hayley's, at 10:00 am, totally awake, and wishing she would wake up and play with me. But she slept on, adorable as always, and of course I couldn't bring myself to wake her. I lay in bed for nearly two hours, thinking....which is deadly. I should never be left alone with my thoughts, because I have a tendency to worry about nothing and make small problems into giant, life-altering catastrophes. I can make an ant hill into Mount Everest if you give me an hour and a bit of quiet.
Take the love thing, for instance. I know we've established that we all love the love, but Hayley's reaction to it has been, well, weird. And not good weird. Not anymore, anyway. Now it's just unsettling weird. I thought we'd pretty much figured the whole thing out with the Laundry Incident, and so on Monday night I called to tell her I love her. It. Was. A. Nice. Gesture, or so I thought. But her reaction was really bizarre. She said "wow, you caught me off-guard there," and that was about all. I awkwardly changed the subject, hung up the phone, and left for my friend's tap dance show, during which I was so completely shook by the incident that I successfully lost my cell phone and later had to retrieve it from some random gas station where a kid had found it. Really smart, Nome, really fucking brilliant.
When I went to see Hayley yesterday I asked her about the phone call and her reaction to it, and she said she was sorry, but that she's "weird" about things like this. I still didn't get it, and told her quite honestly that her reaction was right up there with the worst-case-scenarios I had imagined when I was thinking about saying I LOVE YOU to her but wasn't quite sure if it was a good idea. She clearly didn't want me to feel that way and pulled me over and kissed me and said SHE WOULD THINK ABOUT IT. Oh great. So now I've been left in the worst kind of limbo. Remember how you shouldn't leave me alone with my thoughts? Well, she's gone and done just that, and I am ridiculously inhinged by the whole thing.
I get to thinking horrible thoughts like...
"what if she doesn't love me and never will?"
"what if I'm just not loveable enough?" (this one I throw out almost immediately because it's insecure nonsense and I know it)
"what's wrong with her?"
"what's wrong with me?"
"Can I be okay if she says no?"
"does she not want me anymore? Why?"
Then my thoughts just start to spin in circles and at that point I have to pick up a book and try to read just to shut the whole thing off.
She's just gotten so damn moody lately. One minute she's ranting about her ex not wanting to give her a ride to work, and the next she charmed her way into a ride and she's all over me, suddenly sweet and affectionate and I'm wishing she didn't have to leave the house in ten minutes.
Admittedly, the boys I've been with have been far less complicated. At least you can always count on them for sex, anyway. The love part, well, in my experience that freaks them out too. Apparently it freaks everyone out.
Except, well, me. I think that loving someone is a vulnerable act, and even if they don't love you back they should at least reassure you that they still want to be with you. I don't know. Fuck. Help. Help. Help.
SOS. And other Police songs.
Can't. Think. Anymore.
CTA. It's a new acronym, nicely summarizing my approach to life.