Monday, June 19, 2006
my deepest darkest thoughts
I'm a bit worried about the Bro.
He was supposed to call home this Sunday, Father's Day, and he ALWAYS calls when he says he will. He is surprisingly organized about this. He buys a phone card, finds a cabine telephonique, and calls us on time. You could set your watch to it. But this Sunday we waited and waited by the phone and he never called.
I hope that he's just partying it up in Barcelona, drunk and disorderly and too busy to call us. But he hasn't emailed either. And I made him promise that if he had any problems (eg: drugs, girls, money, trouble with the law) that he couldn't talk to our parents about, he would email me ASAP. He knows, I hope, that I won't judge him for his behaviour or his life, no matter how many times he judges me.
I'm hoping that he's really and truly okay and that this isn't some sort of divine punishment for me being irritated by his closed-mindedness while we were in France.
And now, a dark truth. I sometimes allow myself to believe that the threat of violence to myself and those I love is always hovering above me somewhere. This is the most horrible punishment I can conceive of and it is my worst nightmare. It's also something I think about probably too often. I know objectively that despite what the religious right may tell me, my love for the people in my life is pure and good and loyal. But I always worry.
Imagine for a moment, all of you who have the luxury of living the heteronormative way the advertisements on TV and in magazines will tell you you ought to, how you would feel if you knew, always, that there are people out there who hated you just for living the life that makes you feel most happy and complete. And that no matter how secure and intelligent and not-paranoid you may be, you always harbour an inkling of fear that someday, these people will find you and destroy this fragile balance you have so painstakingly created.
I try not to think about it too hard, because I just spiral downwards and pretty soon I'm imagining myself lying in an alley somewhere in a pool of blood. Or even worse, I'm watching the one I love in such a scenario.
Gawd, that was way too dark.
Sorry guys.
I'm just worrying about my brother, and nothing more.
Ignore me.
-N
