Thursday, January 18, 2007
wax and wane
Hello all.
Sorry I haven't been writing this week. My internet connection has been unreliable, and I've been trying to stay busy so I don't drive myself insane.
Maya is still loveable and wonderful, and my apartment is so much more a home with her around. That's her on the right. Isn't she just way too cute for words? She's also super-friendly and loves everyone. Kinda like me.
That said, I still wax and wane. I go from feeling kinda happy to pretty crappy and back again, all the time, and it doesn't thrill me. I'm still not over Claire in the slightest, and I don't feel ready to be her friend, either. The idea of seeing her fills me with something close to stomach-dropping dread.
That and, I'm started to feel like I just don't know who to rely on anymore. I heard through the grapevine that Hayley was cheating on me just about the whole time we were together. I'm absolutely done with her and have been for months, but the knowledge that she would use me and lie to me and deceive me like that still hurts. It makes me want to call her all sorts of unfeminist names and spread around the rumour that she was never any good in bed. But that would be vindictive and horrible, and I'm just not like that.
Then there's the totally bizarre breakup with Claire, which causes me to question whether I can ever believe anything someone who supposedly likes me says or does. I just don't understand how one goes from hot to cold like that. I'm still mystified, and hurt, and plagued by the most ridiculously painful memories of events that at the time were so incredibly wonderful.
And as a result, I wonder. I wonder about the people in my life I shouldn't have to wonder about. I worried when Jon and his girlfriend were late getting to my place the other night when I was making dinner for them. And I especially worried when within five minutes of each other, both the Boy and Cait called to cancel our plans tonight. They both had reasons, of course. But then everyone already does. Tryouts, early ferry, "not ready for a relationship," everything just starts to blend together in my mind until it's all just one and the same.
And then I hear the Boy's guilty voice on the phone saying "I'm sorry, Nome," and my past rushes back to meet me. All those years I wanted him to apologize for so many minor to major infractions, and now I get apologies for no reason at all, the kind that mean nothing, because I'm just the ex. I mean nothing to him. And everyone is moving on.
So...who can I count on?
I know I shouldn't take these things personally. They have nothing to do with me, I'm sure. But maybe that's the problem. Nothing ever has anything to do with me. I feel like no one is ever really truly 100% solid when it comes to being in my life, except my family and a small black-and-white cat.
I just don't know. But it's preventing me from feeling happy again.
At the end of the day, I have so much left to give.
And no one to give it to.
-N
