Friday, December 22, 2006
sorry
So sorry I haven't written in ages.
It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, and I've found it difficult to write anything down, either on paper or on this blog.
At the moment I have:
1) strep throat, courtesy of my brother, who never sleeps and fails to keep his germs to himself.
2) a new apartment, which is both fantastic and fantastically devoid of other human beings. It's white, clean, cozy, pretty, and at the moment it's lonely as all hell, even if I can eat crackers over the sink and buy chocolate milk if I damn well please.
3) a spectacularly failed relationship with Claire, who I absolutely adored. It wasn't my fault, no one cheated, neither of us hate each other, and yes, it's a long story. It is definitely over, and I am absolutely shattered.
4) a job I am desperately trying to hold onto, for the sake of myself and my students, but which sucks away all my energy now that I am both deeply sad and deeply bored by my life. How did this happen? It's a question I am constantly asking myself.
5) the kind of exhaustion I didn't think was possible on 6-8 hours of sleep a night. Getting through the days is a spectacular challenge, and if it weren't for winter vacation I don't know how I would manage it.
6) really, really bad dreams. Example: Claire and I are in someone else's house, having sex in the morning with the sun streaming in through the windows. I'm aware that it's over between us, but for some reason this hasn't stopped me, and the experience is strange but also kind of nice. Afterwards she says "wow, that was great. I haven't done that in two days." Seeing as I haven't seen her in two weeks, I reply "uh...who were you fucking two days ago?" She replies "oh, there was this guy." "What?" I answer, stunned. This is not a girl who does casual sex, or boys for that matter. She walks away, totally unaffected, not answering my question, and someone else in the house proposes we go get some Frappuccinos. It is suddenly summer, and I wonder where on earth the winter has gone. Claire continues to ignore me while I slip on underwear, feeling somehow strangely violated. Then I wake up.
7) The spectacular determination to make Christmas a happy event this year, even though I feel decidedly unjoyful.
I'm sorry this is a depressing post. I've avoided writing in here because I didn't want this blog to become Lonesometown, where the streets are filled with regret, even if it is a fantastic song from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. Having my heart broken twice in less than six months has made me want to spare everyone else my pain. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and least of all upon you, my lovely and loyal readers.
So, I'm sorry.
Thanks for listening.
-N
