Monday, November 15, 2004

back from Jesusland

Greetings.

Well, this weekend wasn't much of a break from school, though I had very much hoped it would be. There's something so depressing about the land of Beef and Bibles these days, partly because of the screwed-up state of my extended family, and partly because of how profoundly the cultural ideals of Calgarians continue to clash with my own.

As my mom put it, we were very glad to leave Jesusland and return to the land of "fresh food, atheism, and homosexuality." I have been devouring sushi with great abandon. Last night and this morning actually felt like a detox from all the toxicity of the past few days: the thinking about the past, the horrible over-preserved food and red meat, the discussions with one of my close relatives, who is spiralling into depression and out-of-control drug abuse and now contemplating suicide, and the abundant and uncomfortable religiousity of everyone, from the smallest child to the eldest self-righteous exponent of all the easiest answers to life's most difficult questions. Most of the time I felt like a fly on the wall, not actively participating in much, but soaking it all up like radioactivity. As a result, today I feel physically and mentally ill, as though I've been trapped for several days in a house filled with carbon monoxide.

This is compounded by the crazy amounts of schoolwork I have to do this week, the prospect of several impending unpleasant but necessary discussions with estranged friends, and the knowledge that I am once again housesitting in a condo far away from school with only a neurotic cat to keep me company. I miss the Boy and I miss my free time.

It's not all bleak, though. One of the things that Calgary reminds me of is how very proud I am to be me: an atheist, an intellectual, and a person who refuses to take life for granted. I am a person who questions everything about life and refuses to be satisfied with a one-word answer to every question. I am astonished that anyone can sum up the nature and origins of all existence with the word "GOD." It is an insult to everything civilization has attempted in the last 600 years. But I refuse to return to the Dark Ages. I refuse to sit in my well-heated house and ignore the newspapers and the evening news, go to church every Sunday and blind myself to the realities of a complex world which remains very much in crisis. I am proud of my decision to take the more challenging path in life, to acknowledge that the Messianic era is not one of the AIDS pandemic, natural disasters, war in Iraq, Bush in the White House (AGAIN!), terrorist politicians in power, and people continuing to deny the inalienable rights of all human beings, male and female, gay and straight.

I also have hope for the new generation. I have hope for my little cousins, who, while they will grow up in an intensely religious and conservative environment, have more reasons than ever to break free from it, to wake up and look at the real world around them which will inevitably become impossible to shut out.

There's a bit of fresh air in the room today.

And ironic as it is, I begin to feel redeemed.

-N