Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Nausea
Only five minutes to write before Prof Emperor's evening class. Argh.
I am filled with an overwhelming sense of existential malaise today. I hate crowds even more than usual and am irritated by the buckets of rain that are drowning the city and all my optimism along with it.
People are just so endlessly irritating, and even the ones that don't irritate me so rarely have the good sense to love me back.
I have this ridiculous fantasy life in which I inspire other people, and they inspire me. All I ever really wanted was to feel inspired, but now it just seems like too much to ask for, along with concepts like unconditional love, the future, kindness, altruism, all those faded niceties of bygone days.
Sometimes I really get Sartre, Beckett, and Camus. On days like today I feel like Mersault and I would have been great pals.
Such nausea is all-consuming.
Even faking it becomes a challenge. And usually I pull that off real nicely.
And now to attempt to cope once more with Chinese history.
More later, maybe. Or maybe nothing.
-N
