Monday, May 09, 2005
Hopefully Dag doesn't mind that I've posted part of it on here.
This is from an email she sent me today:
"I want you to know one thing: I am proud of you. I know that this may sound stupid, but I know how hard this decision was for you, how much you love [the Boy], how much you wished it could be forever between the two of you, but also how much you knew about the different things you both wanted out of life. I don't know if I could have done it, especially when the relationship is a good one. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you took that step, that frightening step into a life you have not known in years, without someone who completes you, was so couragous."
This makes me feel better for some reason. Maybe because I know she's right.
Fortunately, I have somehow managed to put hope ahead of fear. This is uncharacteristic of me, because everything scares me. One thing the Boy was great at was reminding me of just how many things in life I am afraid of, simply because he was so rarely afraid. I fully admit I don't like to be reminded of it, but here's the short list just to demonstrate my point:
Things Nome is Afraid Of:
1) being alone - permanently, but also to some extent temporarily
2) Heights - falling from them, and the possibility of falling from them. If I know I am 100% safe I feel okay, though. Dams with big railings and the caged-in top of the Eiffel Tower don't scare me one bit!
3) Travelling alone - going to Prague by myself, even if it was for 24 hours or so, was immensely scary. I did come to enjoy it, because it meant I could do all the weird things I enjoy, like hanging out in museums and cemeteries and old synagogues, and no one could tell me that they were bored and wanted to go somewhere else.
4) Bees - though I don't usually do the girly shrieking, I can't stand being stung by one.
5) Snakes - I can look at them on TV or through glass and find them fascinating, but it's like watching a horror movie because I am so scared the whole time.
6) Deep water - I have a recurring dream in which I am swimming in a fantastic navy blue ocean at night, and I am the only one for miles around. But when I duck my head under the surface I see these huge water snakes spinning around in the deep water. They never attack me, but I am nonetheless terrified when I wake up.
7) Head injuries - this is why I am scared of backflips, diving, and double black diamonds at Blackcomb.
8) Intimidating people - particularly those in authority who hold my future in their hands. This extends to employers, professors, supervisors, administrators -- anyone powerful and potentially mean.
9) My grade 2 teacher - she told me I was slow because I didn't understand the concept of 'greater or less than.' I kept insisting "greater or less than what??" She kept me after school and yelled at me, which scared me but didn't help me understand.
10) Deadlines - I still have dreams that there are a few papers or exams that I forgot to write and are now hopelessly overdue. I am a big nerd, I know, but it's a genuine fear.
11) Stalkers - I was so scared of this guy I knew in Switzerland who told me to fear for my security that I got the housing committee to let me switch residences. I think that was fairly well-founded, cause the guy was pretty much psycho.
12) Rumours - I am so scared that people say horrible things behind my back, mainly because it has actually happened more times than I can count. I can never figure out why people are so mean to me.
13) Dependency - I am really scared that I am actually dependent on my parents and if they kicked me out I would be lost. Living on my own in Switzerland helped to dispell that fear a bit, but I still worry that I rely on them too much.
14) Old age - I dread the lost of control that comes with being old. Whenever someone asks me where I want to retire, I tell them I'd like to die in a fiery motorcycle crash at the age of 26. I'm only partly joking.
15) Death - but mostly the pain that comes with it. I'm sure that nothingness really feels like nothing, and I don't really fear the wrath of Allah and his little pitchfork-wielding demons.
16) Serious illness - cancer is something I never, ever want to get, but I know it'll probably happen someday.
17) Car crashes - this fear is the biggest reason why I don't drive. I am scared when other people are driving, even people with tons of experience who are good drivers. The Sea to Sky Highway scares the living hell out of me.
There is more, of course. In conclusion: I am a big wimp. Most of the time, I don't know how I do anything at all. But really, those of us who are fearless never have to be brave. It just comes naturally to them. I have to be brave every single day of my life.
After all, courage doesn't exist without fear.
JaG's template switching has made me want to go template shopping again. Perhaps I need a new look. We'll see.
Feeling quite crummy this morning. I think I got the Boy's cold from last week. Awesome parting gift -- thanks! I didn't sleep very well and woke up covered in sweat, feeling very nearly dead. Dammit. I have too much to do today to be ill while doing it! The minute I stop working out is the minute my immune system decides that now would be an awesome time to just completely shut down. Fucking white blood cells. Work, damn you!
I hate it when I request advice and nobody comments. Come on people!
(thanks to Dag for not being a ghost)