Saturday, June 25, 2005
Sometimes my mind don’t shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I’m begging for a lift
Or I’ll drown in the wonders and the was
And I’ll be your girl, if you say it’s a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I’ll be your pet, if you just tell me it’s a gift
Cuz I’m tired of whys, choking on whys,
I just need a little because, because
-Fiona Apple - Fast As You Can
I have decided that all I want from sex is to know that it is taken as a gift. I might even be inclined to use words like 'honour,' and 'privilege.' I can no longer think of giving my body to someone as anything less than a major transaction in which no money changes hands. There is casual sex, and then there is casual sex. One involves a modicum of respect, and the other... well, the other I simply want no part of. When I was 17 years young I thought that sex would be horrible without love -- actual binding, intimate love. Needless to say I don't think that anymore. Now I know better.
But I have stopped to consider the fact that the word 'intimate' is very close to the word 'intimidate.' That explains big pieces of the way my life has been going lately. I always try for one and get the other by mistake.
Now all I want is to not be used up and thrown away. A little respect would be nice.
Nothing has happened to mark this epiphany. Don't be getting out your shotguns and yelled "get off my lawn," and taking down addresses and writing down names just yet.
It's just another realization that came to me in the shower.
I get all my greatest ideas in the shower.