Wednesday, July 06, 2005
two polarities are better than one
I'm starting to think I may be bipolar, or at least prone to unpredictable mood swings. you're in control
I really haven't felt like writing in here lately, and I'm sorry for it.
Instead of writing anything original, I'll just post some lyrics that mean something to me these days.
This Zero 7 song is fucking wicked, plus it plays during one of my all-time favourite scenes in a film (in Garden State, of course):
Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see
Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see
Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream
But I'd rather not have seen
And I'll hide away for another day...
-Zero 7 - In the Waiting Line
And Rick, remember how you said that you always feel like the guy in Garden State when he's sitting in the room at that party and the world just moves around him while he sits perfectly still? Well, I feel that way too, except most of the time I enjoy it. I love feeling like a fly on the wall. From time to time though, I too wish that someone got me. Actually, I wish all the time that people would pay more attention and actually find out who I really am.
I fucking wish I'd listened to this Zero 7 album earlier, back when English D. lent it to me and I was being a bloody shithead to him and didn't have the patience to listen to his awesome trip-hop finds. Now I am so into it I feel like I could work myself to orgasm just by listening.
I also really love this song from the new Coldplay cd:
is there anywhere you wanna go
you're in control
is there anything you wanna know
the future's for discovering
the space in which we travel in
from the top of the first page
to the end of the last day
from the start in your own way
you just want
somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are
under the surface trying to break through
decifering the codes in you
I need a compass, draw me a map
I'm on the top, I can't get back
the first line in the first page
to the end of the last page
you were looking
from the start in your own way
you just want
somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are
it doesn't matter who you are
you just want
somebody listening to what you say
oh, you just want
somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are
it doesn't matter who you are
is there anybody out there who
is lost and hurt and lonely too
they're bleeding all the colors into one
and a few come undone
as if you've been run through
some catapult who fired you
you wonder if your chance will ever come
or if you're stuck in square one...
-Colplay - Square One
It rained like a motherfucker all day yesterday and I would have been really depressed, but Boss #2 called me Supergirl and Emma said that I had "an hourglass thing going on with my waist," which I rather took as a compliment. I also ran in the rain and it was great. It would have been perfect if I'd been wearing some green rubber boots with frogs on them.
This morning I was depressed because my brother bailed on our gig on Friday and I had a hell of a headache all day from not enough caffeine and sleep.
Then I was happy again because I realised I can read my story on Friday at the open-mike, and because I drank a hella espresso and took an Advil.
What a fucking wackjob I am. I'm surprised that anyone wants to do anything more than fuck me.
I'm in a particularly uncensored mood so I've decided to leave that last comment there even though I should probably erase it.
I like Jamie a lot so far, but I think he may be:
a) too inexperienced to deal with my random sexual needs.
b) too innocent and law-abiding for my liking (he volunteers for the police force...need I say more?)
c) also dealing with a broken heart, and since I can barely fix mine I'm not so sure I can even begin to deal with his.
d) too insecure to handle me at the moment.
e) too far away, geographically-speaking.
I met another guy I like. His name is Jake and he likes some pretty good music. He's 6-7 years older than me, which is a plus because I need someone who's mature where it counts. But he may be too reserved, and maybe not quite wacky enough for me.
It's tough meeting people on the internet. Almost as hard as meeting them in real life.
I adore Apple. If she was bi I'd have a field day with her, but she's trying to get back together with this 40-something-year-old ex-boyfriend who seems to have treated her pretty badly. I might go to an art show with her on Saturday, and then hopefully I will meet this mysterious old meanie she seems to like so much.
I finished reading Jack's book last night. A mere 250 pages of YA lit NEVER takes me two full weeks to finish reading, but this one sure as all hell did. It was a bit of a disappointment in the end. TONS of typos, lots of moralizing, awful sex scenes using expressions like 'well-hung,' combined with a lot of frustrating religious chastity, words like 'imprudent,' the word 'whiskey' spelt both with and without an 'e,' and a lot of confusing theology and mumbo-jumbo. One thing his book has done for me -- which is really important -- is convince me that if he can get published, I sure as hell can too.
By the way, that last paragraph was not meant to be catty, just honest. I talked to Jack on the phone a few hours ago about his book and I wasn't as forthcoming with him as I am with you. I told him that a few things about it confused me, which they did. I am particularly confused about his idea that we're all a little bit evil. That just rubs me the wrong way.
At the moment I am simultaneously the following things:
1) Depressed
2) Hopeful
3) Pleased
4) Excited
5) Horny
6) Secure
7) Self-deprecating
8) Not sure what to do with myself
9) Somewhere approaching peaceful
The four things I would like the most in my life right now are, in no particular order:
-Sex
-Peace
-Respect
-Inspiration
If I had all four, I like to think I'd be pretty happy.
But I'd also be really lucky to even get one out of four. Occasionally I am inspired. That's nice.
I am really like a Manhattan -- I come on pretty strong, and I'm hard for most people to take. Sweet around the edges, but mature where it counts. A drink for adults, but always, always, with a cherry on top.
Goodnight all.
-N
