Friday, May 19, 2006
lizards and longing
I'm pretty sad to be leaving Oxford at the crack of dawn tomorrow, even though I've already extended my stay for two extra nights. The hostel in York was full tonight, so I've had to stay here instead.
I've been having the strangest dreams lately. In one I got attacked and bitten by a giant and horrible black and yellow lizard which I knew was poisonous, but I also knew that no one could get me to the hospital on time and the venom was deadly. I kept watching this vile creature attacking insects on the ground by lashing out and hissing at them before devouring them alive. Nature is never as cruel or scary as it is in my dreams.
Last night I dreamed I was still with the Boy, and we were having some awful discussion about his emotional withdrawal and general anti-socal behaviour. I felt like I was swimming upstream and I couldn't believe I'd gotten trapped in something that was so painful and impossible to negotiate. I had this feeling of overwhelming helplessness and eternal misunderstanding.
That one I can probably analyse a little better. I'm clearly petrified of repeating the same mistakes. Every time I think Hayley might be a little bit too emotionally reserved, I worry. I want her to share her feelings with me and for us to be open and honest with each other. We don't have to tell each other everything -- that extreme is just as obnoxious as the other -- but I think the important stuff should be out in the open. Above all, I don't want to go back to feeling like the person I love is constantly pulling away.
I'd better go. I'm supposed to have dinner with some Canadian boys from Ontario, and I have to finish writing a letter to Hayley.
I'll try to post tomorrow, if there's time.
Laters,
N
