Monday, July 03, 2006
trust is as trust does
I should be lifting weights and trying to get myself back up to 300-crunches-in-a-row-without-breaking-a-sweat shape right now, but I just had to quickly post this.
Drumroll please....Hayley has a blog. A real blog, and one I had no idea existed until an hour ago.
And it is testing ALL my compassionate, reciprocal and trusting faculties to not read it. I stumbled upon the thing while I was trying to post a comment on Jon's site on her computer today whilst she was bleaching her hair and reeling from the burning pain of the bleach on her scalp. I clicked on her username in an attempt to log her out, but instead it took me to her blog. I didn't stick around long enough to read it, definitely not, but I was intrigued, a little bit pleased, and REALLY frustrated to discover that she has one.
I'm not going to read it, and not just because of that whole DO UNTO OTHERS maxim, which I really do believe in 98% of the time (the other times I'm just being an immature twit, I promise). I obviously don't want her to read this blog, and not because it will all be a huge surprise, but because it's private and I try to keep it relatively separate from my so-called real life. And it's not just because I'm trying to be compassionate to a girl who has taught me so much about compassion and why it's a valuable thing, although that's also part of it. But it's mainly because while I would love love love to read about all the stuff she doesn't say to me except sometimes when she's drunk, I firmly and truly believe that just as I need MY OWN SPACE, so does she.
But man, it fucking kills me.
I did find a photo of her in which you can't really see her face, hence the pic above. That's my girl, and boy is she ever beautiful, though that photo doesn't begin to do her justice. But that's all I will allow myself.
Grr. It's like showing me a library full of fantastic literature and telling me I CANNOT READ A SINGLE WORD.
Fuck. Am I doing the right thing? What is the right thing here?
Heart says nay, head says meh.
C'mon head, get with the program.
-N
p.s. fuck Blogger and its total inability to format my posts THE WAY IT SHOWS THEY WILL LOOK LIKE BEFORE YOU POST THEM. Fucking idiots.
