Wednesday, March 09, 2005
high and dry
I love this song today:
Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror, you're turning into something you are not.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Drying up in conversaton, you will be the one WHO cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
-Radiohead, High and Dry
I am frustrated by a number of things today:
1) Low ticket sales for the play, combined with the apathetic looks on people's faces when I announce it to my classes. People are so fucking indifferent sometimes. I know that people may buy their tickets at the door, or later, or whatever, but I can't help but feel like people want diversion and we are offering them the exact opposite.
2) Hostility on my blog. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me. Like I said, bring it on. I do have a problem, however, when things descend into cheap in-fighting and below-the-belt insults.
3) Uncertainty about whether people will back me up on here. I don't want to attack anyone, in fact I'd like to do the exact opposite, but I'd also like to know that I have a bit of support behind me.
4) Geographic realities. Why must places like Ireland, England, Finland, South Africa, and even the Montreal and the United States be so far away? I wish I had a gyrocoptor.
5) The amount of schoolwork I have to do and have not done and don't want to do.
6) My uncle's drug addiction, my mother's post-traumatic stress syndrome, and my own fear that my family's tendency to heap the world's problems on our own shoulders will suck me into an imminent deep depression as well.
7) My inability to get my shit together and bloody well do the things that need doing: memorize that godawful monologue about AIDS and rape, update my idiotic resume, go job-hunting, call my group leader about our presentation tomorrow, get off my ass and run an errand for my mom, go to the gyme more often, practice what I need to have together for tryouts next week, attempt to rescue Kun from eating-disorder oblivion, stop taking bullshit from people, stop being so clueless.
8) My current feeling of being stoned, all day long. Total and complete exhaustion which is unaffected by sleep levels. Inability to concentrate on the most simple of tasks.
9) Eating total crap all day long and not really caring anymore if it makes me crash.
10) My tired old music selection and my headphones, which are held together with tape. It seems like an insignificant complaint, but I don't think I'd be able to hold myself together without my music. I need a fucking IPOD and some headphones that shut out the whole world. I hate ambient noise, I hate people's inane conversations that I can't avoid eavesdropping on, I hate the noise of buses, cars, rushing and yelling and all kinds of crap. I want to shut it ALL out.
11) Guys who look at me as though their only thought is about what my clothes would look like on their floor. I have a breaking point, and this is it.
Gah! I'm not really depressed, I just feel like saying GAH! all the time.
Really gotta run that errand now.
Argh.
-N
