Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Once I've finished laughing I will direct you all to a hilarious piece of French rap. It's called 'Laisse-Moi Kiffer' and can be found here. No, I don't know what 'kiffer' means. Credit to Dag for the idea. You can also find the lyrics here, thought you'll only understand them if you're rather well-versed in obscure French slang. I just realised that I actually remember this song from Switzerland, and although it is an absolutely dreadful little tune, it brings back tons of memories from when life was all about partying and flirting and getting drunk and stoned and living a little more dangerously. I suppose it reminds me that I wasn't always such a _____.
If I could have made a .gif file like the one with the cute little girls, I would have.
Feeling slightly better this morning, although I had some traumatic dreams last night. Something about the Boy leaving me on a Greyhound bus in the middle of nowhere, but not before we'd accumulated a fantastic supply of objects for me to remember him by. This is not typical behaviour for him, because usually he is not big on presents and especially not on taking photographs, but this time he insisted on having our photo taken and buying all this crap that was supposed to remind me of him. Of course, when it came down to it, we'd spent all our time buying stuff and had no time left to actually say goodbye. He left me on some little path in a forest where I was really truly alone, and he was the absolute picture of stoicism. He didn't even linger for a moment to wait until I'd stopped crying. I'm actually quite glad that didn't happen in real life. I nonetheless woke up with a renewed sense of loss, which I suppose is really how I wake up every morning these days.
I am filled once again with a sense of impending doom since all my friends are leaving in the near future. Even Berdie and Dag will be gone soon. M. and G. will be off to China and then to Finland, respectively. Cait leaves for England in the fall. And it's not as though I can seek solace in having the Boy around and spending my days with him. I am well and truly alone when it comes to people who are physically present for me. New people are just fine but it's not as though you can meet someone and have them magically be your best friend because you need them to be.
I know this is familiar territory for everyone, but for me every day brings a new sense of panic and uncertainty.
Today is another day off, so I suppose that's why I've allowed myself to think about all this stuff. I said I wouldn't think about it, but I guess I just can't trust myself to keep it under wraps. It all simmers to the surface and then I am completely lost.
Anyway, it is all terribly boring I'm sure. So I shall bore you with it no longer.
I'm going to try and get an actual start on this day.