Tuesday, May 17, 2005
it can only get better from here...
To my great chagrin I had to call in sick today.
Why? I simply couldn't speak, and there's no way in hell I was going to squawk at customers all day. That would likely result in them telling me to go home.
So I had to call the store and tell them I was sick, and the coworker who picked up sounded none-too-pleased. We are short-staffed at the moment, and she is one of those people who I know is probably really sweet deep-down, but on the surface she is alternately sarcastic, tough-to-read, and sometimes downright condescending. I don't dislike her, but I do wish someone else had answered that phone. Someone sympathetic, like Julie. But then I wouldn't have wanted to squawk to her on the phone, either. I had to call Boss #1 at home and tell her, and then call the store back to inform them I had left a message on her home phone. And all this in barely audible croaks.
As if that wasn't enough, then I had to call the campaign office and tell them that there was no way in hell I could do their scrutineering tonight. The woman replied kindly but quite irrationally that I didn't need to talk in order do the count (obviously you need to speak to register any objections about spoiled ballots, which is why I'm there in the first place!). She claimed that they needed everyone they could get and that I could show up at 7:30 and that I should make sure I had voted myself before I got there. Nice, really nice. I still have no idea what I'm going to do about that.
I tried to sleep most of the day, and worried a bit about having to call in sick to a job I've only had for a week. If they fire me I am lost. I will have nothing else in my life to pour my energy, time, and commitment into, and that will be it for me. I just have to hope that they'll be understanding on this one.
The other thing is that I haven't been sleeping terribly well because the minute I close my eyes I am ringing in transactions in my head. I have tried everything to counteract this. Thinking about other things doesn't help, nor does just relaxing and allowing whatever thoughts I have to just float to the surface. Those thoughts, inevitably, are about work, and about how much I don't want to screw things up at work.
I slept from 10:00-1:30, and then from 4:00-6:00, but really I should call it "sleep," since I think I was doing much more in that time than I have been doing while awake.
My mom made me swallow some intensely unpleasant Chinese herbs this morning. I pointed out that she couldn't even tell me what they were and it seemed rather foolish to put them into my system, but she made me do it nonetheless. And she thinks I'm being unreasonable! They were little yellowish brown pellets that quite closely resembled the waste products of a pet hamster. They tasted like death, plain and simple.
I wish I could stop feeling so sick and sad and worried. I think perhaps once I feel better physically the rest will follow, and yet I can't help but wonder whether I'm not getting better physically because I'm so stressed-out emotionally.
Emotional solace I cannot give myself at the moment. But I can give myself lots of sleep, especially since I have two days off starting tomorrow.
That will be okay, as long as I am sleeping and doing things and not just thinking. Thinking has been incredibly bad for me lately. And it is a rather persistent habit of mine.
I still haven't figured out what to do about this election business. At the very least I have to go out and vote!
Perhaps more later, when I discover all my sleep today has made me not want to sleep tonight.
Salutations.
-N
