Thursday, May 26, 2005
so moody!
So.
I am having trouble shaking the following slightly irrational thoughts:
1) Everyone is leaving me and soon I really will be all alone in the world.
2) People at work don't like me, and the ones who act like they like me are faking it.
3) Julie is humouring me with the incredibly sweet emails she sends me every day.
4) I am an insensitive freak for not having resorted to cliched expressions of regret with my relatives tonight. Instead I had dinner, played poker, ate cheesecake, and laughed. I am such a fucking retard.
5) The rule that only music we sell in the store can be played in the cd player at work was clearly designed solely to piss me off.
6) If I have to hear that fucking "mash mash bananas" song again I may just bash bash my head in.
7) My grandmother is leaving town early to go to her brother's funeral and I have the foreboding feeling that I will never see her again because I have been a lousy granddaughter. I never wrote her often enough and I never got her presents on her birthday.
8) I will never be in a fulfilling relationship again. I am doomed to live a rootless, lonely existence for the rest of my days.
9) The real miracle of my job is not how much I do well, but how often I manage not to screw things up royally.
10) The whole graduation thing was really a fluke. In a month they will call me up to say "just kidding!"
Okay, so I'm being majorly self-deprecating here. I don't really feel all of these things. I am irritated by a few little things and I'm making mountains out of molehills. I just wish that someone would tell me that I'm sweet and funny rather than immature and tedious, and an asset rather than a burden. I desperately want to be wanted and loved. There, I've admitted it.
Really, I have a stomachache and I'm tired and cranky. Please don't take any of this seriously. I won't if you won't.
I have a lunch date with the fabulous Julie next week. The prospect of a few hours with her is probably the only thing that will allow me to get through the weekend. That, and perhaps a few illegal substances. Suffice it to say that G. gave me a rather hallucinogenic grad gift. I might wait a while to play with that stuff, but for the meantime I will definitely spend my weekend flirting with cute boys, smoking a joint or two, and drinking until the world feels good again.
I am getting an IPod or similar MP3 player (probably Zen or IRiver...40 Gigish) for my grad present after all. That was a big and pleasant surprise. Especially since my mom also gave me a huge, rather rare purple orchid, because she knows how sad I was that my other one won't bloom again for at least six months.
It really doesn't take much for the skies to go back to being blue.
Nature has a funny way of denying us the pathetic fallacy. It is 25 degrees out and sunny as hell. Go ahead, English major, mix up those metaphors!
Jay, the most personable of our backroom guys, is (like me) deeply irritated by the words 'nite,' 'lite' 'thx,' 'dun,' and 'color,' 'honor,' 'neighbor' etc. (without the 'U.'!) He is one of my new favourite people. I love sticklers and Canadian spellers.
Met my first metrosexual last night. We'll see if that goes anywhere.
Sleep is a goddess, because only a woman could be so soothing.
Greetings,
-N
