Thursday, June 16, 2005
think before you act...
Lately I have been doing slightly foolish things without considering the consequences of my actions beforehand.
Normally this would be a bad thing, but it has actually forced me to do things that I would otherwise wimp out on for absolutely no good reason -- other than that I allowed myself the time to get scared.
This whole 'going-downtown-to-meet-a-massive-group-of-strangers-all-by-myself' thing is now really freaking me out, and usually I'm okay with crowds. It's just that I went to bed at 4:00 am, I've been in a sad haze all day, I don't know what the hell I should wear, it's cloudy and gray outside, I'm sleepy and a double vanilla latte did not wake me up at all, and I'm feeling pretty fucking self-deprecating. In short, I'm not doing so well with the whole 'high on life' idea.
I'm going to have to start humming some kind of mantra to myself, something along the lines of "you're fine, you're good, you're interesting, don't worry, you don't need to be medicated, just go and have a good time, everyone else is just as scared as you," and assorted other trite and generally cliched nonsense. (I wish to hell that one could put accents on the 'e's on Blogger. How do French people manage?)
I wish I felt ON tonight, but instead I wanna be sedated.
Bad weather really puts me in a bad place.
Time to take a deep breath, curl my hair, find some clothing worth wearing, and suck it up.
Sometimes I wish that life had a fast-forward button.
-N
