Thursday, July 21, 2005
Ohh, can't anybody see Hey kids.
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right...
-Portishead - Roads
Yeah, I guess I pretty much haven't written in a week.
I have been having my usual ups and downs, though it seems to me that the highs are getting higher and the lows are getting even lower, though I didn't think that was possible. My weekly or bi-weekly escapes to the island have become something of a necessity.
1) I went to the Folk Fest. I loved it. It was a very peaceful few days.
2) Harry Potter madness came and went. That was not very fun. I felt responsible for the chaos. But at least the kids got their bloody books. I am halfway through mine and finding it genuinely brilliant.
3) I went to the island for a few days. I loved it. I went to the beach, I went swimming, I picked raspberries, I played with my cats, I read a lot, I felt inspired enough to write some poetry. Then I had to come back to the sweltering, treeless city. I am sad.
I don't know what to make of Kylie. I feel like she's messing with my brain. We're supposed to hang out on Saturday, and apparently that's still go for launch, but I scarcely hear from her and when I do it just sounds like she's backing away slowly. Let it be noted that I have not been scary in my delivery. I was nice and friendly and at no point did I make any huge professions or tell her I expected some big scary commitment from her. So now I am deeply confused. I think perhaps the problem lies with her and not with me.
I just want to hang out with cool people who I can actually get to know well enough so that I can groove with them during the high times and still have them be there to catch me in the low times. Because right now all I do is fake happiness for people who I don't know well enough to confide in.
I told April the other day about my break-up with the Boy. She was pretty shocked that I hadn't told her about it. But really, what can you tell a person you have only known for a few months? I told Kylie more than I would tell someone I interacted with casually, and now I almost wish I'd told her nothing at all. The really weird thing is that she made a helleva lot of the moves. She's the one who got me a present and put her arm around me. I was pretty laid-back the whole time. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe I am just freaking out for no good reason. Fuck!
People have a tendency to take the information and the access that you give them and run to the metaphorical tabloids with it. They quote you and they follow you and they don't give a crap about things like respect and tact and common decency. They want to just take and take and take. I want someone to give...
I want someone who spends time with me because they want to, and not because they expect to be entertained.
I want someone who wants to make ME banana pancakes in the morning.
I want someone who will write songs for me, and with me.
I can't help but feel like most of the people in my life don't really like me, but pretend to because it's easier than giving me some awkward speech and walking away for good.
The only person I really want to confide in these days is Emma, because she keeps things to herself, and because she also likes girls. She makes me feel safe.
I just don't know where to go. I meet so many people, but so few of them are worth knowing. And so very, very few of them seem to want to know me.
I wrote some poems to read at the open-mike tomorrow. I don't think they're very good. I never think my poems are very good.
This bi-polar thing is awesome.
Bring it on.