Friday, October 07, 2005
was being single supposed to be fun?
Can't stand by myself
Hate to sleep alone
Surprises always help
So I take somebody home
To find out how I feel
Feel like just a baby
Portrait of a lady
Poster of a girl...
-Metric - Poster of a Girl
[I heart the new Metric album]
At this point, being single feels like a whole lot of bullshit. Throwing in the towel seems like a pretty good idea, and so I may just not go out of my way to meet anyone for a while.
Revenue Canada Girl is 100% too weird for me. She repeats herself a lot and seems to have the maturity level of a 15-year-old. She is much older than me, so on her that is REALLY weird. I don't even know if I can get it together to tactfully tell her that I'm just not interested.
Cara went back to her ex, who is both abusive and an alcoholic. It's not my place to judge, so I wished her well and told her we could be friends. Whatever. I think I'm just too nice for her. She's one of those very disturbing women who seems to be on a lifelong quest for self-punishment. Great. Fucking brilliant, in fact. I really didn't have anything invested in her, but it nonetheless hurts to see another human being treat themselves with such little respect.
I was supposed to do bookselling for the first time today, but it was impossible to get off cash until the afternoon since the store was swarming with kids out of school because of the teachers' strike. In the end I just shelved a lot of books and talked to Jack, which frankly is still a huge improvement from ringing people through the till all evening.
I made some very loose plans with a girl I met online to have dinner after work tonight. She was going to stop by the store, but never showed. I didn't worry or really even care that much, I just read a few picture books on the store couch next to two little boys dressed as Spiderman and Batman, respectively, then I got some Thai food and went home.
Costco (what a wonderful retailer) gave me a full refund on my Zen player, no questions asked, and I got a new one. That and the price had gone down a lot since I bought it, so I made $50 off the deal. And I didn't even have to lie. So the next time you need to buy anything expensive or important, buy it at Costco. They rock.
I'm discovering more and more that I am starved for human contact. Not sex, really, although I wouldn't mind some, but just the feeling of having someone want to touch me without apologizing. Jesus, how sad is that? Yet I know it's true because while I really don't like being tickled, I like it when Lena does it these days. And Tara's tendency to slap my ass (yes, this is my boss!) in the middle of the day for no particular reason doesn't bug me nearly as much as it used to. It is really very easy to confuse desire for physical closeness with desire for sex, and I'm trying hard not to get the two things mixed up. I have done it in the past, and regretted it.
Thea thinks I'm a poor listener. I figure that despite my desire to know everyone's story, my recent desire for friends has made me more motivated to seem interesting and likeable than to be interested in other people. I think this is a revelation bordering on the profound. I want more than anything to be interested from now on.
Shortly after this revelation, I went downtown in a torrential rainstorm to meet Sophie for dinner. On the way, I saw a well-dressed and clean-cut guy give his umbrella to a homeless man. I took it as a sign from the powers that be -- good people give.
I listened to Sophie all through dinner, and asked her questions instead of telling my own stories. She's having problems with Becky, and so I tried to propose some solutions. On the whole, I felt slightly better at the end of the evening for having listened, although I did realise that I hadn't really told Sophie anything at all about what was going on in my life. And in the end, I did feel just as alone as I had to begin with.
I very much miss my lust for life.
-N
