Tuesday, July 04, 2006
ennui
I'm feeling a bit....annoyed.
I can't really explain why.
Hayley's blog doesn't let anyone read it except "friends," as far as I can tell, so I don't think I could read it even if I broke down and decided to just do it. Meh.
Sometimes I allow myself to get annoyed by the fact that she can be so very distant and strange. The really weird thing is that Hayley + alcohol = totally different person. She's really affectionate, talkative, attentive, and more than a little bit wild. Hayley - alcohol = incredibly smart and funny, but moody, angry, and withdrawn. That and I only ever get anything sexual from her when she's drinking. I don't want to have a one-track mind here, and especially not when she's having a hell of a time at the moment, but it's damn hard when she's around and so adorable and I want so much to have her instead of just trying not to piss her off. Plus I hate rejection, and sexual rejection is quite possibly the worst kind. Maybe it would it be better if she was Hayley without alcohol all the time, and that way I'd stop getting my hopes up about the times when she's different.
I dunno. I want to ask her why she's so different when she's drunk, because I actually know that alcohol makes her do the things she WANTS to do when sober but can't for whatever reason. We've gone over that before. But maybe I'll talk to someone about this first. I just don't know.
This is my new favourite show. I like him because he's cute and Canadian and kind of nerdy, and he really, really knows his shit. Plus he eats turtles and grasshopper kebabs, and you've got to have a bit of respect for anyone that genuinely rugged.
Maybe I just need some breakfast. It's so fucking hot in here and sensible things like opening windows at night and closing them during the day, turning on the fan and lowering the blinds makes not a fucking bit of difference. Damn it.
Sorry for bitching, guys. I know I made my bed and I should lie in it, it's just hard sometimes.
-N
