Monday, July 10, 2006
1) Use the word 'asinine' a lot.
2) Listen to her asinine ranting about how complicated and crappy her life is.
3) Don't feed her pie, especially if it has two crusts.
4) Actually mean the word 'love,' if and when you say it.
5) Don't use words like 'daisy,' or 'bubblegum' to describe her music.
6) Make friends with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, or at least tolerate Gold Lion on repeat.
7) Watch Project Runway with her.
8) Let her make you dinner all the fucking time.
9) Don't tell her she's self-absorbed.
10) Don't use any of the following phrases in reference to her: "You're too nice / too giving / too self-sacrificing / too loyal / too loving." You may as well complain that there's too much bloody peace in the world. Yeah, that's really rough.
11) Don't leave your dishes on the counter. They were meant to be washed.
12) Pat the tummy of that large orange cat sprawled on the floor over there.
13) Try a compliment -- it won't hurt.
14) Never ever tell her she's too nice to you.
15) Fucking suck it up.
16) Don't make her stare at the phone willing it to bloody well ring already.
17) Try defending her from time to time -- those monkeys with wheels on their feet really aren't that scary.
18) Don't fake anything, ever.
19) Tolerate absolutely gratuitous and constant use of the word 'fuck,' and all its variants.
20) Stay. Just.....stay.