Thursday, March 10, 2005
death
Gah!
I feel like death. I nearly passed out in capoeira today. I actually had step out of the class, have some water, and sit down for several minutes until I had composed myself. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and like I was having a heart attack. My only thought was: if I'm pregnant, I will simply kill myself. No abortion, no raising a kid all alone, just suicide. Okay, so I was feeling a bit morose.
But then it occurred to me that before I'd nearly passed out we'd been doing these complicated spinning maneuvers back and forth across the floor. Gah! No wonder I was so dizzy! Fucking idiot. And here I am imagining the worst and contemplating suicide, when all I have is good old-fashioned carnival ride disease.
Now I am really going to have a tough time getting up tomorrow. Curse my weakness. All I ever wanted was to be like those Anne Rice vampires: beautiful, powerful, and without regret.
I would quite like to teach myself to go without sleep. But failing an addiction to crystal meth, I will have to continue to hit the mattress from time to time.
Gah!
-N
