Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I've been having bad dreams
They involve a lot of greed and shame and feelings of frustration and pent-up rage. There are a lot of veiled Muslim women in them. There's also the very frightening feeling of lost intimacy - the sense that there is a closeness right in front of me me that I simply can't hold onto. And then there is overriding terror, because nothing I try to do in these dreams (or in life, for that matter) ever works out the way I pictured it would. My lovely mind-pictures are obliterated by my overwhelming need to FUCK THINGS UP.
I'm missing the Boy, for no better reason than that he knows me so well and no one else really seems to. That and unlike the rest of the world, he was always sincere.
I wish I was in a union, and not the matrimonial kind. The solidarity forever kind. That would really have averted this whole fiasco.
I'm reading lots of archived Zulieka - for some reason her tales of debauchery and her impromptu poetry are comforting to me.
I realise that since it's exceedingly rare for me to be in contact with people I think are brilliant, it makes sense to make book lists for their kids and to pay attention when they post wishlists. Yet I don't really think I've made anyone's 'brilliant' category. Maybe their 'snob' category. Or their 'insolent little twit' category. Or maybe even their 'annoying self-involved moron' category. But certainly people do not find me brilliant, and this I will have to learn to live with. It's not as though I think I'm brilliant, so really why should other people?
I've decided that trying to get people to like me is ridiculously foolish. And I have to curb my rebellious streak in a big way. I have to keep thinking about the Stormtroopers - they never gave Vader the finger.
And I was dead serious about wanting to get laid.
That is all.