Thursday, June 02, 2005
can I still be arrogant if I think I'm a fucking tool?
My beef of the day, the week, the month, and possibly of my entire life, is the fact that people see me as being arrogant, snobby, and a know-it-all, when I'm actually humble to the point of self-deprecation.
I never reject people based on superficial qualities like appearance, race, class, education level, or age. I do not think I'm hot shit, in fact lately I have been pretty well convinced I'm immature and incredibly stupid to think I've accomplished much in my life at all. This whole near-firing episode has really brought things home for me in a way that's not entirely pleasant.
I had a conversation with G. in which he congratulated me for talking myself out of the double-teamed we're-going-to-fire-you-now meeting, which no one has ever done in the history of our company, and probably in the history of most companies. I haven't been congratulating myself at all. I am humiliated, wary, and completely and utterly terrified. He also said I could have filed a wrongful dismissal suit. Yeah, sure, maybe if G. could be my lawyer for free. But it has to be wrong to dismiss someone for doing too much, right? Firing someone for doing their job well and even helping others with their jobs seems a bit out of line. They decided I was a young upstart, and in addition to that, an arrogant know-it-all.
I know arrogance when I see it. I have seen a lot of it. I lived among macho, hard-drinking, hard-fucking Romanians for many long months. I've met people who thought they were God's gift to humanity as they were flunking out of school several years in a row. I've known people who insist they can spell any word in the English language, and continue to insist on it even after being proved wrong dozens of times. I know people who do the absolute bare minimum in every aspect of life and yet are still convinced they will never need to hold down an actual job to become a multimillionaire.
Arrogance is just not me. I am fallible. I am human. I fuck up and I forget things and I can be stupid and out-of-line and downright idiotic.
But I take criticism. Constructive criticism is great. Hell, even telling me I'm annoying and should shut the fuck up is great at this point.
And I care. I care until there is nothing left of me to care with. I give my heart to all kinds of people who proceed to stomp on it, rip it out, and lob it towards the nearest waste receptacle.
I can be a real sucker.
So there you go, world. Heart on the table. See the scalpel? It's all yours.
Just leave me something for my parents to bury, okay?
-N
