Monday, July 25, 2005
Had a great time last night at the drag show.
Got to see Kylie for the first time in forfuckingever.
S. was marvelous last night. She made it to the finals in full-form.
I still think Kylie's awesome. Nonetheless, we will be friends, and nothing more, for now. She has some demons in her past that I can't begin to exorcize for her, and there's no way in hell I want to be a crutch, a pseudo-therapist, or an extra stress in her life right now. I told myself that I would stop "friending" people I am attracted to now that I am technically single and available, but she must be an exception. She is so witty, so sweet, so pretty, so smart, and so kind, but more to the point she has the capacity to understand who I am like just about no one I have ever met. And I know I have the capacity to understand her. That is just too much to give up.
I am just going to have to get over the fact that I want to kiss her all the time. Grrr...
I guess we can have it all except sex, really. Sex is important, but not worth abandoning a marvelous human being to obtain. Without a hint of egotism, I will point out that I could probably get it elsewhere.
That said, for probably the first time since about age 14, I don't feel desperate for sex. I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin right now, and I definitely don't want to spoil it with a casual encounter with someone I don't have any respect for.
I have a few prospects online at the moment, mostly innocuous, mostly sensitive types, mostly guys. I have got to say I'm a bit bored by men at the moment. I'm going to the Pride Parade and party next week and it would be pretty sweet to meet a girl without emotional entanglements who likes banana pancakes and Beck.
I've stopped looking at couples I see on the street with a mixture of depression and sick envy. Now I feel either "good for them," or "ick, get a room," and occasionally total indifference. I also like to check out the girls, mainly to confuse the hell out of the guys. I am such a nutter, but it is such fun.
Cris saw through the pronoun game I was playing with her whenever I brought up Kylie in conversation. This is okay with me. She's so open-minded that I really couldn't care less. We have so many conversations about the meaning of life in her car after open-mike, and she even read my palm today (Apparently I will live a long life, be very lucky, have five major relationships, a lot of pain in love in my early years, and I am a creative intellectual). I adore Cris, really. I'm just not ready to tell Jack yet. He is too much of a Bible-thumping baptist to take my bisexuality as anything other than promiscuity, which it is definitely not. He is sweet and I'll continue to let him take me to comic book movies and out to dinner, but I cannot tell him I like girls and want to sleep with them. World of no, as Kylie would say.
I adore Leonard Cohen at the moment. He is ancient and yet so wise and even a bit sexy. His sexiness has nothing to do with physicality, but simply with his incredible knowledge of the ways of the heart. My favourite of his songs of the moment is this one:
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows.
-Leonard Cohen - Everybody Knows
....and many more brilliant verses. The best lines by far are the ones I so helpfully bolded for you.
My other favourite song of the moment is Feist's cover of the Bee Gees 'Inside and Out.'
Fucking beyond brilliant, it is.
I can't even sing along to it, because Feist has such a jazzy wonderful damn near broken vocal chords voice. She used to sing in a punk band, and lives in Paris. Go figure.
Gotta go to bed.