Thursday, February 09, 2006
You can tell
from the scars on my arms
and the cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls
You can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and I keep on breaking more
and it looks like I am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder I could disengage
if I were any older I would act my age
but I dont think that you'd believe me
It's not the way I'm meant to be
It's just the way the operation made me...
-The Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism
That song's not really anthemic for me (well, maybe some days it is), but it is a totally wicked song that somehow manages to be both amusing and dark at the same time. And I often think that black humour is the best kind of funny.
The Dresden Dolls are my latest musical love. Their crazy 1920s-style German cabaret music is just weird enough to be brilliant but not so weird that it's inaccessible. My clever English friend introduced me to them when he sent me their cd and a 7-page letter recently. It was one of the greatest packages I've ever gotten in the mail.
So sorry for my failure to update this blog. The last time I tried, Blogger informed me that I was forbidden on the site. Haha. What a laugh. Forbidden on my own site. The internet can be so ironic. That, and I've been trying to spend less time online, because somehow I like my life better when I get out there and do stuff.
Things with Hayley are going really well. We've been going out for about a month, and she's as funny and clever and sexy as ever. She's also a strange character, with a lot of oddities, and so I think it's a good sign that I find her quirks endearing rather than exasperating -- most of the time anyway. She's a fiercely independent person, and until recently I couldn't even get her to call or email me unless I did it first. She likes her space, and yet she's one of the most affectionate people I've ever met. She makes me feel like a girl, but in a completely different way than with any of the guys I've been with. It's hard to explain, but somehow the fact that neither of us is a guy means the rules are more flexible, and the roles are less defined. That said, I always feel like there are more and more boundaries to be broken.
The more time I spend in the so-called lesbian community, the more I realise there's a hell of a lot of imitation and advertising going on. By imitation, I mean the pervasive and most irritating tendency of feminine women to seek out really butch girls, and vice versa. The whole butch/femme category drives me mad anyway. I mean, what the hell is the point of dating a girl who looks and acts like a boy? Why not just, say, date a boy? And why would lesbian women want to imitate heterosexual relationships? I just don't get that. Then there's the whole short hair and men's clothes phenomenon....granted this look suits some girls to a T (and can be adorable), and having them dress otherwise would be ridiculous, but for the vast majority, it's just advertising. It's just a way to say to the world: I'm gay!! And there's no way I want to be a walking billboard for my sexuality. I'd rather just be me and let everyone else connect the dots.
That's just my two cents. And I'm sure it would piss a lot of people off to hear it, but there it is.
I'm also feeling a bit overwhelmed by the trendiness of bashing bisexuals these days. Ever since a small minority of women decided it would be hot to swing both ways and let their boyfriend watch, just about no one takes bisexuality seriously, and most people assume it just means that you're eventually going to leave a woman for a man. That of course is total bullshit, since people are people, infidelity is infidelity, and monogamy is still just that -- monogamy. A girl who lets her boyfriend watch is doing something totally different, and something a bit derogatory too. Because why is it cheating if it's with a man, but not with a woman? Sex is sex, no matter what the gender. And to say that sex with another woman is not really infidelity invalidates the act entirely.
I always find it pretty disconcerting to know that I don't fit in too well in either the gay or straight communities. Straddling both worlds always means that you risk becoming a pariah in both of them.
Such are the thoughts that percolate through my head most of the time.
In other news, I found out this week that the Boy has been back in town for a month now and hasn't called me. I only realised he was here when him and Kun stopped by the store late on Monday night, during bookclub, and jumped up and down in front of the windows (Kun, not the Boy) until I went to go say hi to them.
He took me out for lunch today and we spent most of the afternoon together, and I had a nice, if somewhat wistful time. Once again, I felt like it would have been so easy to slip back into our relationship again, because even after not seeing each other for months we're excellent at picking up where we left off. I feel so very comfortable and safe with him, in a way that's impossible to feel with someone new. That said, I'm not seriously considering it. It just makes me remember how very difficult it is to start over, and how very tempting it can be to slip back into something I know so well with someone I love so much. Love just doesn't go away. It lingers and haunts you, even when it's not validated or maintained. I sometimes wonder just how much forgetting is involved in moving on.
I'm planning to buy my plane ticket very soon, and head out to Europe at the end of March. While there is a lot to plan and I do worry about stuff like money, packing, and leaving Hayley behind, I'm actually pretty excited about going. I definitely need a break from work, and I need to see my friends and have a carefree and fun time over there. And I very much want to do it on my own terms, with my own money, on my own.
I have to go make dinner for my parents now.
To those of you who are still with me, thanks for reading.