Thursday, December 15, 2005
an open curtain call
Today is gonna be the day
Permit me, if you will, a few moments of self-involved angst.
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall...
-Oasis - Wonderwall
I have a crush. On Heidi. Pretty, clever, funny Heidi, with a voice like gold and the most contagious laugh. But I haven't the foggiest idea of how to proceed. I feel like I'm 12 years old again, and trying to get up the courage to ask a boy to go ice skating with me. Except this boy is a girl. A beautiful girl. And I am all of 22 years old. I should have this routine nailed down by now.
Three obstacles stand in my way.
The first is that I LIKE this girl. I want to keep taking her out, and talking and laughing and going dancing and watching movies with her. I don't feel like I have enough friends at the moment to just throw a great one away because I have a crush. But I also have not spent months and years wrestling with my attraction to girls to finally feel comfortable with who I am, only to meet a wonderful girl who is GAY and keep her as a friend! What a bloody joke. Scratch that idea. And yet....I just don't think I can risk it.
The second is that I am way out of my element here. How do I act with another girl? This is totally foreign territory. I don't have the (metaphorical) balls to give a big fuck you to a disapproving public, but I don't want to look like a wuss either. And never mind all the rest of it. I am clueless.
The third is that I haven't dated anyone casually, under normal circumstances, since I was 16 years old. I don't know how to do this. I never learned, and these things can't be taught. My hard-earned subtlety is backfiring. Spectacularly.
But back to the girl. It was her birthday on Monday. I called her on the day of, and wished her many happy returns, et cetera. She seemed genuinely glad I had called and was her usual adorable self. That night I had a dream about her. Not one of THOSE dreams, not really anyway.
It was one of those rare dreams in which I felt totally, 100% safe. I've had very few of those in my lifetime, but the ones I have had have completely changed how I felt about the people in them. In my dream, I finally got up the courage to kiss her, and she kissed me back and told me she'd wanted to do it for a long time but wasn't sure if I liked her. I woke up feeling pretty fucking sad that it hadn't happened in real life.
Tonight I got her a book and made her a cd of some of my favourite songs I hoped she hadn't heard yet (she has spectacular taste in music). She looked happy, thanked me, and gave me a hug. I took her to a restaurant that was slightly nicer than I'm used to, and I paid for dinner. We went to see a movie (smart Quebecois fare called C.R.A.Z.Y.), walked to our respective homes, and I called her to make sure she'd gotten home safe. I invited her to Sophie's show next week, and she seemed enthusiastic to go.
But she sits solidly in friends territory and I haven't a clue how to move out of it.
Keep in mind, I value subtlety over all else. No cheezy seduction techniques or romantic set-ups allowed. That's not her style either.
That said, I'd love some advice.
Pretend I'm on my knees here (I would be but my jeans have a lot of beads and sequins on them and that would hurt a lot).
I need your help, guys.
Fire away.
-N
p.s. thanks in advance.
