Thursday, December 15, 2005

an open curtain call

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall...
-Oasis - Wonderwall
Permit me, if you will, a few moments of self-involved angst.

I have a crush. On Heidi. Pretty, clever, funny Heidi, with a voice like gold and the most contagious laugh. But I haven't the foggiest idea of how to proceed. I feel like I'm 12 years old again, and trying to get up the courage to ask a boy to go ice skating with me. Except this boy is a girl. A beautiful girl. And I am all of 22 years old. I should have this routine nailed down by now.

Three obstacles stand in my way.

The first is that I LIKE this girl. I want to keep taking her out, and talking and laughing and going dancing and watching movies with her. I don't feel like I have enough friends at the moment to just throw a great one away because I have a crush. But I also have not spent months and years wrestling with my attraction to girls to finally feel comfortable with who I am, only to meet a wonderful girl who is GAY and keep her as a friend! What a bloody joke. Scratch that idea. And yet....I just don't think I can risk it.

The second is that I am way out of my element here. How do I act with another girl? This is totally foreign territory. I don't have the (metaphorical) balls to give a big fuck you to a disapproving public, but I don't want to look like a wuss either. And never mind all the rest of it. I am clueless.

The third is that I haven't dated anyone casually, under normal circumstances, since I was 16 years old. I don't know how to do this. I never learned, and these things can't be taught. My hard-earned subtlety is backfiring. Spectacularly.

But back to the girl. It was her birthday on Monday. I called her on the day of, and wished her many happy returns, et cetera. She seemed genuinely glad I had called and was her usual adorable self. That night I had a dream about her. Not one of THOSE dreams, not really anyway.

It was one of those rare dreams in which I felt totally, 100% safe. I've had very few of those in my lifetime, but the ones I have had have completely changed how I felt about the people in them. In my dream, I finally got up the courage to kiss her, and she kissed me back and told me she'd wanted to do it for a long time but wasn't sure if I liked her. I woke up feeling pretty fucking sad that it hadn't happened in real life.

Tonight I got her a book and made her a cd of some of my favourite songs I hoped she hadn't heard yet (she has spectacular taste in music). She looked happy, thanked me, and gave me a hug. I took her to a restaurant that was slightly nicer than I'm used to, and I paid for dinner. We went to see a movie (smart Quebecois fare called C.R.A.Z.Y.), walked to our respective homes, and I called her to make sure she'd gotten home safe. I invited her to Sophie's show next week, and she seemed enthusiastic to go.

But she sits solidly in friends territory and I haven't a clue how to move out of it.

Keep in mind, I value subtlety over all else. No cheezy seduction techniques or romantic set-ups allowed. That's not her style either.

That said, I'd love some advice.

Pretend I'm on my knees here (I would be but my jeans have a lot of beads and sequins on them and that would hurt a lot).

I need your help, guys.

Fire away.


p.s. thanks in advance.

by Nome at 12:38 AM
7 mews

    Welcome. This is the humble chronicle of my life & my thoughts on the world as I see it. If you know me in real life and want to keep my trust, PLEASE ASK BEFORE READING! I'm not accountable to you or to anyone else for what I say in these pages. Comments are much appreciated, but but insults and personal attacks will not be tolerated. Please respect privacy and anonymity - nicknames or pseudonyms only. This is my space to be an adult - kids should go elsewhere. Thanks, and enjoy.

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