Thursday, July 06, 2006
ALONE ALONE ALONE
Suck it up Nome.
I got an email from Hayley yesterday. Without getting into any of the very personal and private details of the novel-length letter, she plans to have us waver in some "a-little-more-complicated-than-friendship" land. Officially, I am okay with this. Unofficially, I'm feeling a little shell-shocked.
I ran into an old Indian man yesterday when I was taking out the garbage. Indian as in from India, not Native American. He unlocked the door for me, and I thanked him profusely. He said he tries to do 100 nice things for people every day, and at 75 years old, that means he has to work very hard. I said that was a very good policy. He replied that the key to life was just to give without expecting anything in return. I told him that was very noble, but secretly I was looking around to see if I was on Candid Camera. This guy was just too perfect given my thoughts as of late. He continued talking about giving selflessly, and I was nodding and agreeing with him for the next five minutes. Then he brought up God. I opened the gate to go catch my bus. THEN he brought up Jesus Christ, and how all things are possible through HIM. Ooh. Bad move, buddy. You had me at hello, you lost me with the Holy Carpenter reference.
At any rate, some of his comments stuck with me, and I've been trying desperately to keep them in my mind.
The problem, of course, is that I don't and can't possibly pretend that I love Hayley as a friend. I spent three months falling harder and harder for her and trying to get up the courage to ask her out. I spent three months away on another continent thinking about her. Just as she can't fake happiness or commitment or togetherness, I cannot fake platonic feelings for her. Of course she's among my best friends. But she's so much more than that, and I don't know how I can possibly switch that off.
Maybe I have to start thinking about this as a breakup. I don't know.
I can't possibly know.
The counsellor I was seeing last year is leaving, so I can't talk to her. I guess it was pretty naive of me to expect support in Bloggerland. My friends are great, but they have their own lives. My mom is out of town, my dad is always watching soccer. And so I am ALONE.
I just snapped at the Mew Cat because she was wandering around mewing and I got melodramatic and yelled "I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE YOU, CAT!!" Haha. That's actually kind of funny.
Anyway, don't worry about me. I'll manage.
-N
