Saturday, August 05, 2006
broken
Fuck.
Well, on the plus side the Dyke March today was pretty amazing. There was girl-watching to die for, and performances by great bands including Fruit (love those Aussies), the No No Spots, and Doria Roberts.
I swear I had a moment with the absolutely hot-as-Hades keyboard player from the No No Spots. I was walking around the backstage area and saw her lounging in the shade, looking every bit like Shane from the L-Word. Eyes locked, and neither of us looked away. It went way past accidental eye contact and into something very strange and hot. Finally I turned the corner and exhaled. Wow. I didn't get up the guts to talk to her after the show, but I sure as hell wanted to.
So, that's the good news.
The bad news I suppose is that after an entire day of total weirdness, I finally broke up with Hayley. She left the park with her friend today after telling me she was getting an ice cream and would be right back, and she didn't even so much as come over and say bye to me. I had no idea that she'd left the neighbourhood entirely and was already on the other side of town, but I figured if she didn't call or try to find me she must not want to see me and I should leave her alone. I was right.
I went to her apartment to pick up the charger for my Zen player and we started talking. I told her how incredibly shitty and frustrated I was feeling, and she reacted with her usual lukewarm near-indifference. I pointed out that it wasn't possible for her to tell me she didn't want a relationship without breaking up with me, and she didn't seem to understand why I couldn't just snap out of being completely in love with her and overnight decide that we were just friends.
The details are deeply boring, and I'm sure they're not of interest to any of you.
The point is just that it's over and I don't feel FREE like I thought I would. I just feel sad. So so very sad.
It feels like such a huge waste.
I don't want to be single again, but I can't be trapped in something that was slowly sucking all the life out of me either.
The worst part is really not that we were all wrong for each other, but that in fact we were so so very RIGHT together. We were so compatible, back when Hayley was a warm and loving and giving person and not this injured creature who built up a hard, cold wall to keep herself safe from the world. The worst part is that I love her still, and I don't know where that love is supposed to go. Does it get reabsorbed? Will it be transferred to someone supposedly better for me? Or is it this going to be like the last catastrophic break-up of my life where everything I thought I could count on just imploded and I could barely function for six months?
And I feel guilty too. Have I done everything I could here? I'm still leaving her when she needs my friendship, because I am way too fucked up to give her another single scrap of love or caring. I need to try to care for myself right now.
I had just mended this well-worn little heart of mine, and now here it is again, broken. Tiny asymmetrical, awful, aching bits of it just floating around, waiting for another sharp needle and some thread.
Fortunately I'm a decent sewer.
But don't hold your breath.
-N
p.s. That tree is me.
