Sunday, August 06, 2006
The pic above is of me and Sophie at the parade. My cowboy hat cost $5 at the hippie market outside the Folk Fest. Good times.
Pride was fun today despite my broken heartedness.
In fact, I've been stunningly undramatic about this break-up so far. The whole time I was talking to Hayley yesterday, I didn't once raise my voice, cry, throw things, slam doors, or even use the word 'fuck' excessively, which I normally do all the fucking time.
I still haven't cried. I feel like I do after fifteen minutes in the Pacific Ocean. Numb, numb, numb.
Of course I miss her. I miss those boundless blue eyes and her fingers in my hair. But I've been missing that kind of thing for a long time now. And I'm really glad I no longer have to deal with stuff like:
-irrational fears (eg. aliens, dragonflies, bugs in general).
-food phobias (sushi, Asian food, anything that tastes good).
-the general not-eating North Korean Orphan diet thing.
-space space space all the fucking time, a personal bubble the size of Texas.
-not calling a house phone that godforfend someone other than me might pick up.
-frustrating shyness around strangers.
-meltdowns over buses being late, books getting lost, et cetera.
-damn your mood swings, damn your mood swings.
-too cold in the winter, too hot in the summer.
-complete and total sexual frustration when someone I want so badly is righttherenexttome.
-judgmental comments like "that shirt looks like you just escaped from prison."
-absolute and utter selfishness.
I shouldn't continue, lest I get petty. Jon said if he sees Hayley at the club tonight he will spit on her shoe because she was mean to me. Aw.
I feel like rebounding into the stratosphere. I just want a girl, a really really hot girl to have cheap and meaningless sex with and to make me feel alive again.
Surely this is not too much to ask.